Closet Question

[basschick]

Jasun - a lot of people have told me the same thing about coming out to their parents.

maybe sometimes we don't know our parents any better than they know us. or maybe sometimes love does conquer all!

[Jasun]

I really do think that. I never thought I'd be able to tell my parents, and as I mentioned before, I never actually did... My sister told them to get back at me for being closer to them than she was.

It was a horrible couple of years, and it had to come to some pretty angry shouting matches, but they're extremely supportive now.

Sad thing, I guess, is that I've never been able to forgive my sister, regardless of how hard she tries to get me to, and although I'm glad they know, I'd probably never have told them by myself.

The GOOD thing that came out of it is that I'm constantly meeting people here in Toronto who tell me that they had one of my parents as a professor at the University they teach at, and that they never would have made it through if it wasn't for the support they got from them. So although it wasn't too easy for me, they've helped tons of gay teenagers over the years because of the experiences we had.

[Ounique]

I totally understand where you're coming from Jasun, and I don't mean to sound like I'm asking for advice just to get defensive about it (I hate when people do that). And honestly, I kind of want them to know. It's this strange battle we have. They won't ask and I won't volunteer, but if it comes up then I will be honest. I just think that leaving issues of Frontiers around would be the same as just telling them. One thing I didn't mention is that my sister has been very unsupportive in all of this. She has talked me out of telling them more times then I can count. I think it would be a little easier for me if she would agree to back me up. But she's made it perfectly clear that she won't. And she lives with them (and that's a whole other ball of wax!!!) so that adds to it all a little. But the one good thing is that she does agree with me that if they ask I won't lie about it. But she also warned me about planting 'gay bombs' around the place for them to find. LOL!

Okay, just to add a new twist. I'm a huge Tiffany's fanatic and I have all my little blue boxes with white ribbons, a Breakfast at Tiffany's movie poster and a limited edition Breakfast at Tiffany's barbie doll (a gift, honest) all set up in a little Tiffany's shrine on my bookshelf (I'll have to post a pic of that someday). My friends are all betting that it will give me away. I honestly belive that they are clueless enough about gay culture to even think twice about it. I'll let you know how this goes.

(I'm not making any of this up, I swear!)

[Jasun]

You know Don, the more you describe yourself, it reminds me of a situation I came upon years ago. A Co-worker told me he was worried that his parents were going to find out that he was gay. He was an extremely effeminite man, young, cute, he had a tattoo of Madonna for crying out loud, he wore designer makeup, he had every gay related thing you could own. He was so gay you could tell before he walked around the corner.

I looked at him when he said this and asked "They don't know you're gay? I mean... they have MET you, haven't they?".

[Xstr8guy]

Wow! I can't believe I missed this thread! Well Don, I'm not going to offer you any advice, just share my story.

I'm nearly 40, I lived a straight life for 34 years before admitting to myself that I was gay... that was the hardest part of coming out. I met my partner nearly 4 years ago after moving to Dallas. We lived our lives in secret until about 3 years ago when my lifelong best friend (also my boss) wondered about my recent unavailability. We happened to be at a Country bar entertaining some friends visiting from back home. After a few beers he turned to me and said, "I have something impotant to ask you..." and before he could say another word, I blurted out "YES!". He stammered and said, "You don't even know what I gonna ask". I said, "Yes I do" and it went on and on until I finally said "Yes, I'm gay!"

Him and his wife became my biggest allies despite their "white bread" suburban lifestyle. He convinced me that I needed to tell my friends and family. And because of my new found happiness with my partner, the urge to come out was strong.

At my sister's graduation party in Phoenix, I had the opportunity to tell 2 particular people of my family first... my favorite, much older siter (aka. my other mom)... I chickened out! She had to return home before I could work up the nerve. My other target was my favorite female cousin (more like a crazy sister). On our last night in Phoenix, I asked her to take a walk. About 10 feet out the front door, she guessed what I wanted to tell her! She was completely cool about it, but suggested that I tell everyone else pretty damn quick because she couldn't keep the secret.

When I arrived back home to Dallas, I started making some phone calls to my family. Overall, the reaction was very accepting. There was some debate whether Mom and Dad should know. I cowardly had my favorite sister tell my mother. She was initially saddend by the news because she was worried that I would become a victim of discrimination and gay bashing. We all agreed that my father, who was approaching 80 and was starting to suffer from Alzheimer's was better off not knowing.

Well, the next summer, my partner and I flew home to celebrate my father's 80th birthday party. This was also the debut of my partner to much of my family. Things went well and even my mom warned up to Toby (he is irresistable). In fact, when we were leaving, she gave him a big hug and told him to take good care of her son. After we left, my usually totally oblivious father turned to my mom and said, "Mom, I think our son is gay... but I won't tell anyone and I wouldn't want them to worry."

LOL... it makes me just about cry with joy everytime I think about it... How fucking sweet is that?? And now he doesn't bother me evertime I talk to him... he used to constantly ask me If I've found a cute little mexican girlfriend in Texas. Him knowing was worth that alone!

[Ounique]

Wow, I just can't thank you guys enough for sharing your stories with me. I've spent the whole weekend with my parents and I realized one thing. There are so many aspects of my life that I would not be able to share with them, that even by telling them I'm gay, they would still never really know me. It seems like all of my accomplishments are somehow connected with the adult industry, a fact which they would never condone nor be proud of. All my closest friends are in the leather community here in LA, another thing they would never understand. The sad fact is that being gay is just the tip of the iceberg. And after spending some major time with them I am realizing that they are perfectly happy and content living in the little box that they do. They don't want to change anymore than I do, so coming out to them would only serve to disrupt their world and would not really change anything for the better. And with them living so far away it doesn't have any bearing on my daily life. Oh well.

[dirtygeek]

Ya know, when I told my family I thought that they would never speak to me again. (Being their redneckish and all.) They shocked the hell out of me when 3 weeks after I told them my mom and all my aunts where at the gay bar waiting on me.

To top it all off, my mom dressed up like a lesbian and did a drag show on talent night. I guess what I'm saying is that maybe they will surprise you. (I mean they might already suspect something since you've not (maybe) brought home a GF or prob not talked about one.

Hope it all works out for you babe. Your suck a sweetheart.

[Ounique]

Originally posted by andymike
Hope it all works out for you babe. Your suck a sweetheart.

Well, okay... bring me a sweetheart! LOL!!!

But seriously, thank you for your support. I'm playing it by ear. If the opportunity arises I'll do it. But I won't force the issue. Ugh, is it Sunday yet??? :boom:

[dirtygeek]

figures I'm mess up trying to be sweet and helpful :crybaby:

[Ounique]

Originally posted by andymike
figures I'm mess up trying to be sweet and helpful :crybaby:

Awww, you are always sweet and helpful, darlin'.

[dirtygeek]

keep it up and I'm going to have to come sit on your lap

[Dzinerbear]

Don,

In my twenties, I would have said, "Fuck them. Tell them. Tell everyone. Go on Jerry Springer. They're the ones with the problem, not you."

I'm in my forties, and I've mellowed and chilled out. I have a weight problem. In September, I bought Dr. Phil's book and started doing something about it. One of the keys in his program is "healing old hurts." And I thought: Shit, I've already been through this with my father. I've already told him I thought he was a horrible father. For the better part of my life, I tried to get my father to love me in a way that I wanted.

I thought about this "key" of Dr. Phil's that suggested I should take things up with my father so I could move on. In the end I decided that my father is in his mid-60s and he doesn't need to hear all of this stuff again. It would only serve to hurt him (and my mother). And the fact is that we have a pretty good relationship now. So, why do I want to fuck that up?

I decided that I would have to find another way to heal these old wounds that are connected to my holding onto this excess weight. I hired a personal trainer and decided to let her be my "father," and she's teaching me all of the things about nuturing myself and my body that I needed my father to do. She showers me with praise, and joins in me with my successes.

Don, at this point in your life, ask yourself: is telling my parents going to enrich my relationship with them? Is it going to cause more harm than good?

At the same time, I think you can stand up to your parents when they say nasty things about your gay cousins. First of all, your parents know your gay. Somewhere in the back of their minds, it has occurred to them. So, the next time they say something nasty about gay people that you don't want to hear, you can simply say, "Mother, I have some pretty strong opinions about this issue, so if you would like to have this conversation, we can do so. Otherwise, let's please move on to something else."

If she persists: "MOTHER. Do you want to have this conversation?"

They'll lay their cards on the table, and you can take it from there. I mean, unless you absolutely think there's no way that they even have the smallest inkling that you're gay.

I just don't think you need to tell your parents to prove anything to yourself or them or your community. And if you're feeling guilty about not supporting the cause, then donate some money to PFLAG.

Good luck.
Cheers
Dzinerbear

[Ounique]

Originally posted by andymike
keep it up and I'm going to have to come sit on your lap

Hon, you can sit on my lap anyday. :humble:

[Ounique]

Dzinerbear,

What a wonderful insight you have. I hope things are working out with the personal trainer. Good luck.

You have a lot of great points in your post. I'm sure my parents do know I'm gay, deep down, in fact they've made hints without realizing it. Plus, when I was growing up, the way they handled things they didn't want me to do or become was to criticize those attributes they didn't like. And I think that's why they are so negative about my gay cousins. I think they are trying to send a negative message about this to me to not choose this lifestyle. I'm sure they still think that it's a choice and not natural. But the truth is that they are not going to change. And believe me, when it comes to conversations about my cousins or gay marriage and stuff like that, I do not back down. They realize when they've stepped in the mud and change the topic of conversation very quickly.

And other than this, our relationship is really okay. It's just that I have such deep meaningfull relationships with my 'family of choice' here in LA that it's hard to have such a trite, basic relationship with my parents. But they are not deep people, they are basic and simple, which is not a negative thing. Maybe they have a better grip on things by being that way than most people, LOL! So I have to stop reading what I want in them and stop projecting onto them what I think they should be, the same way I want them to stop doing it to me (although you know how parents are). So I think that things are going to stay the way they are. Life is too short and at their age even shorter. Why stir up the waters now. If I had been more secure with myself in my 20's, then would have been the time. But now, it's too late. Besides, I have my family here for the love, support and closeness I need. And I've realized that I need to appreciate my parents for who and what they are. I cannot change them any more than they can change me.

[Dzinerbear]

Hey Don,

Thanks for the encouragement. Yes, things are going well with the trainer. My breasts are getting perky. Soon I hope be able to say "chest" instead of "breasts," although now I'm thinking I should have taken a shitload of pictures for a new gay reality site: Men with Tits. Do you think it would sell? :goof:

"And other than this, our relationship is really okay. It's just that I have such deep meaningfull relationships with my 'family of choice' here in LA that it's hard to have such a trite, basic relationship with my parents."

Yes, this is a tough one. Once I realized that I could get my emotional needs met by other people (and myself) and I didn't have to fret about not getting them from my parents, I was a lot better off. My relationship improved with my parents when I came to terms with it and realized "this is it, this is all I can expect from them."

So, I call them every couple of weeks and see them about 4 times a year, and we take about the weather, what's going on with their travelling and hobbies, and what's new in the family. Mundane, day-to-day shit.

I hug them goodbye, tell them I love them, and send them on their way. It's just the stuff that I decided that I needed to do because they're my parents, they took care of me, they sacrificed a lot for their kids, and it's just my way of saying, "Thank you, I respect what you've done." I probably wouldn't choose to have coffee with this people if I ran into them at the Second Cup, but that's life.

Good luck
Dzinerbear