HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
(new 2003 version)

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY
APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB -She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED
COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY
ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS -She is PECTORALLY
SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The
teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal
its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah
was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated
that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically
impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID
GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES
ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY
DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes
ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY
CHALLENGED
10. He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet
propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever
seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say
about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't
you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the
night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered.
Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some
boots that fit."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Why is it so difficult to solve a redneck murder?
A) The DNA is all the same.
B) No dental records.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to
her class. She came to the part of the story where the first
pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read, "And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may
I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you
think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly,
"I think the man would have said: 'Well, fuck me. A talking
pig.'"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only
willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After
several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take
out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has
lived his entire life in the Australian outback.

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes
into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she
returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in
the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the
room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything
like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked
the children what their fathers did for a living. All the
typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman,
etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the
teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off
all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the
offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy
and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set
the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little
David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your
father?"

"No," said David, "He plays for the Chicago Bears, but I was
too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +=
A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very
close to her, inhales a big breath of air through his nose and
tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she
can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor
in Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she explains
what her co-worker does and states that she wants to file a
sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources
supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's
sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Sitting in a small restaurant, a client asked the proprietor
for the menu. "We don't need a menu here," said the
proprietor, "We can serve anytrhing you ask for."

"What, anything?" asked the client.

"Yes, anything at all." was the reply.

"In that case, I would like some camel's tail soup."

"Very well, sir, but it will take a little while, and you will
have to wait a while for it."

"That's OK," said the client. He sat waiting for an hour or
so, then a waiter brought a tureen of fragrant soup. He ate
the lot, and was thoroughly delighted. He called for the
proprietor. "I really enjoyed that," he said, "But surely it
was not really camel's tail soup."

Rejoined the proprietor, "It certainly was. Tell you what, come
with me."

The client was led to the back of the restaurant, where a
Porsche was parked, and was motioned into it. They drove
about a hundred miles into the countryside, to an enormous
farm. There the client was amazed to see every possible kind
of exotic plant, animal and bird. The restaurant proprietor
pointed to a compound in which there were two camels, of which
one had only a stump of a tail, bandaged, with a trace of blood.

"That's where your soup came from," he announced.

The client was absolutely flummoxed. "That is remarkable,"
he gasped, "but there must sometimes be demands you can't
satisfy."

"No," replied the proprietor, "we have never been caught out...
Wait, no, we were once... when a customer asked for crocodile
balls on toast. We were clean out of bread."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Grandma & grandpa laying in bed one night, when grandma says
to grandpa, "Hey, grandpa now that your retired, is there
anything that you always wanted but never got?"

"Yeh, there is", said grandpa.

"What is it?" asked grandma. "Maybe I can get it for you."

"Well, grandma, I always wanted a blow-job," said grandpa.

"A blow-job is what you want, then a blow-job is what you'll
get. But I don't know how to give you one," said grandma.

Grandpa says, "Well I've often heard the boys at the plant
before I retired, say that in order to get it right, their
wives practiced on Ketchup bottles."

Grandma says, "O.K. I'll practice all day tomorrow and give
you a blow-job when we go to bed."

The following night grandpa was waiting patiently with a super
hard-on. Grandma approached grandpa, grabbed his penis with
her left hand and began punching the top of grandpa's penis
with her right hand.