50 great things about being a man...revised.
In the process of cleaning I came across an old email from a friend I thought you might enjoy. The premise is supposed to be 50 great things about being a man (as opposed to a woman) but, true to form, I had to add my own comments. I think it would have been more appropriately titled, “50 great things about being a STRAIGHT man.” You can find my comments immediately following each item. (keep in mind I was working at Pornication at the time...each comment is exactly as it was then -June 2002)
1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
>Apparently you never worked with me and you were definitely never interviewed by me.
2.Your orgasms are real. Always.
>Total bullshit. Again you never worked with me.
3. Your last name stays put.
>Ok, this one you can have.
4. The garage is all yours.
>Yeah, but what the fuck do I want with a dirty garage, unless there’s a hot greasy mechanic wearing an unzipped jumpsuit, no underwear and sporting a semi?
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
>Yeah, because I can’t get married…that takes care of that.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
>This is true. I only feel compelled to make fun of him after for his poor drunken choice.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
>Again with the mechanic…He shouldn’t be telling me anything, it’s not polite to talk with your mouth full.
8. You don’t give a rat’s-ass if someone notices your new haircut.
>You didn’t notice?!?!?!
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
>Sometimes…
10. Same work … More pay.
>This seems to be a recurring theme…you really don’t know much about my job do you?
11. Wrinkles add character.
>No…wrinkles equate to money so people are willing to put up with them for the chance that they might get a free trip to Europe.
12. You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
>Neither do women!
13. Wedding dress $2000; tux rental $100
>Gucci shoes $250, Versace leather pants $500, DKNY shirt $300, Polo tie $75, cover $10, bar tab $200, drug tab $200, getting sweaty and making out with the hottest guy in the middle of the dance floor….FABULOUS!
14. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
>If I retain water, it’s with scotch.
15. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
>Well, that’s true, but looking at my crotch is a little more obvious.
16. New shoes don’t cut, blister or mangle your feet.
>How can you even think that?
17. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
>True across the board…straight, gay, what-have-you…I love porn.
18. Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, “So, notice anything different?”
>That’s only until they sign up with “Hair Club for Men” then they ask you that every month or so.
19. One mood, all the damn time.
>Who the hell have you been talking to?
20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
>That’s because it doesn’t take long to decide who wants to do the fucking and who wants to get fucked.
21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
>Will the ignorance never end?
22. You can open all your own jars.
>Just because I can doesn’t mean I should. Where’s my beefy little houseboy?
23. (this one was missing)
24. You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
>Or with…I love having choices.
25. You can leave the motel bed unmade.
>Hell, I can leave the motel bed SMOKIN!
26. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
>I’m going to have to think about this one a little more.
27. If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can still be friends.
>That depends on the event. If someone forgets to invite me to a birthday party, we can still be friends. If someone forgets to invite me to an orgy…screw the bastard.
28. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
>I should just slap you for this one! Do you know that Calvin Klein only goes on sale twice a year? And you obviously have no idea how much a 3-pack of 2(x)ist goes for.
29. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
>Sure they do…they just think you’re gay.
30. Everything on your face stays it’s original color.
>Yeah, that’s why my dad dyes his moustache.
31. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
>Again, it’s not polite to talk with your mouth full :-Oç8
32. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
>Sure, for a 3 day weekend trip.
33. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
>No, but he better be hot.
34. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, “He must be mad at me.”
>See, this just proves women are nuts.
35. No maxi-pads.
>Unless you’ve got the drip (EWWWWW) –so sorry for that one…that was truly disgusting-
36. You don’t mooch off other’s desserts.
>Huh? Get your damn own!
37. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
>But a 6-pack is always welcome.
38. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
>Or end up with 2 of the same outfit lying on your bedroom floor the next morning.
39. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
>chartreuse, fucia, majenta, lilac, salmon….
40. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
>Ok, this one is too easy.
41. You almost never have strap problems in public.
>Only in the locker room with a jock.
42. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
>That’s because I’m paying more attention to who’s in my bed than to what’s on my floor!
43. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
>Tell that to my hairdresser!
44. You don’t have to shave below your neck.
>Thankfully not yet, but some men really should.
45. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
>Gross.
46. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
>You would never be allowed to shop at Barney’s NY.
47. You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.
>Have I walked into the middle of a bad western movie? (hmm…cowboy sex mmm )
48. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
IF you can grow facial hair.
49. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24, in minutes.
>It doesn’t take long to get 25 gift certificates to dinner.
50. The world is your urinal.
>HOORAY FOR THE PENIS!!!
Re: 50 great things about being a man...revised.
Quote:
Originally posted by 123Jason
13. Wedding dress $2000; tux rental $100
>Gucci shoes $250, Versace leather pants $500, DKNY shirt $300, Polo tie $75, cover $10, bar tab $200, drug tab $200, getting sweaty and making out with the hottest guy in the middle of the dance floor….FABULOUS!
14. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
>If I retain water, it’s with scotch.
Hahaha these two are my favorites :)
Thanks for sharing that Jason :)
Regards,
Lee
