Premature Ejaculatory Handshake

Whew. I just had a business meeting that went well.

The kickoff of the meeting got me thinking... I spent more time than I should contemplating handshakes. Near as I can tell there are five basic handshakes. Two are acceptable. Three are of the devil.

The Limp Fish - If you're sticking your hand out there to simply be squeezed, then you are a little creepy. A good, solid, firm handshake. It'll do wonders for your self-esteem.

The Big Dick -Then there are the boneheads that squeeze too hard. You tend to find this from men who wear wife-beater T-shirts and/or snake skin boots. This handshake is predominately found East of the Mississippi and is usually an attempt to hide the existence of a small genital member.

Those are two unacceptable handshakes.

The Firm Handshake - This is your goal. In a forward movement, arm extended, palm to the left, contact. Wait for it. Thumbs lock, squeeze. Not too hard. Not too soft. Successful handshake established!

The Charmer - This is more a pre-50's and/or European handshake but can still be very effective when used at the right time. Hand extends, palm to the left, thumbs lock. Light squeeze and twist until your hand is on bottom then pull. You bring the woman's hand to your lips and lightly kiss.

FYI: If you use this technique with a dude, there's a chance you'll get belted. Trust me.

And this brings us to the final handshake. That which Satan himself uses on a regular basis.

The Premature Ejaculatory Handshake - I know you've experienced it. You go for the handshake but the "squeeze" comes too fast. Thumbs never locked. You find your fingers in a clasp. You have no control. You are at the mercy of your acquaintance. You are incomplete.

I used to wonder... what did I do wrong? How did I screw it up? Because I can't recall ever squeezing someone's fingers short of the thumbs locking. So clearly I must have been doing something wrong to allow myself to get boinked in the middle of the handshake.

Ahh, but with age comes experience and with experience comes knowledge.

I now realize that I was not screwing up after all. Because I never squeezed early. If your fingers get caught half in and half out of a handshake...it wasn't you! You did nothing wrong! Your partner in this unspoken bonding premature'd.

You did right...you were waiting for the thumbs to lock before going for the squeeze! It's your partner in the handshake that came too fast!

Why? I don't know. Nervousness seems the best bet. Perhaps you intimidate. Perhaps there are homophobic issues and your partner in the handshake simply wants to get in and out before you realize they find you hawt.

Clearly my journey for knowledge is incomplete. But I will find the answer.

For now, if you find yourself catching an unsuspecting handshake victim's fingers in a vice... then stop it. Take a breath. Wait for the thumbs to lock, then squeeze!

sounds like you've spent some time thinking about this *LOL*

twenty years ago, men never gave women the The Big Dick handshake. most men were utterly secure in their total superiority over ALL women. but times have changed, and now i am sometimes the recipient of The Big Dick - and whenever that happens, i think "what a big dick this guy is", so you've named it well :D

My experiences of women handshakes have mostly been the limp fish. Is this a sexism thing? LOL.

Generally the hand is put out there, fingers somewhat separated from each other... they seem uncommited to the handshake. Many times their arm doesn't extend far from their torso, so I even do most of the reaching. It's as if they're expecting to get a limp fish handshake in return... our palms and fingertips just innocently nub each other. Perhaps a light squeeze.

Then I feel guilty when I accomplish a firm handshake on them. I wonder if I accidentally layed a Big Dick on her. Is this a common phenomenon? Maybe I'm a big dick and don't know it. :goofy:

i don't give a handshake unless i mean it, so it's never a limp fish - although i will admit that i get limp fish from a lot of women. most women are not comfortable with handshakes, as far as i can tell. women i just met would rather hug me as we part rather than shake hands.

lately i've had to do a lot more handshakes than i used to because i'm doing shoots. as every model leaves after we shoot them, i thrust my arm toward them very obviously, i give a firm, friendly but unfamiliar business handshake, tell them they did a great job, and thank them for coming out.

it's only The Big Dick if pain is involved. so don't try to break their fingers, and you'll be fine ;)

You forgot one. I don't know what it's called but it's when the other person grabs your hand and places thier index finger up your wrist. I don't know why but that one always gives me the creeps. It's like the other person is trying to be more intimate than they really are. I dunno. What are your thoughts on this.

don mike - i feel the same way about that one! i'm trying to give a businesslike handshake, and the other guy seems like he's having some kind of freaky hand-sex with me.

Interesting. I don't remember experiencing one of those, except for when we both went in to grab each other's wrists in some sort of secret "brother" handshake.

Is this a hybrid of The Topper, the one that's trying to convey control by turning your hand, or coming at you palm-down?

Much more studying to be done! ;)

One of those Big Dicks actually cracked a bone in my hand. Fucker. I can still feel it on cold damp days--which is almost never in Phoenix.

I prefer the firm handshake with grab of the other forearm with the other hand. what does that make me??

Plus maybe a grope if he is cute.

I like it when they just bow and kiss my right softly :)

Um, Mike, you can give me your Big Dick anytime!

Oh wait... woops... just reread the post. Never mind. :)

lol, love this thread