The state of gay unions

Two's company

For many gay men, the word "monogamy" is about as appealing as the word "gonorrhea." Research has shown that among gay couples who've been together for more than five years, sexually exclusive couples are a minority. But among the men who hold that minority opinion, many see monogamy as the keystone of any solid, lasting relationship.

Is monogamy the only way to build trust between two people, or is it a relic borrowed from irrelevant heterosexual traditions? How can two people make monogamy work -- and, more importantly, how can they keep it sexy?

In this, the second installment of "The State of Gay Unions," we continue to explore the different ways gay men love each other by discussing the rewards and the challenges of monogamy with one long-term monogamous couple. Meet Jeremy, 36, and Alvin, 37, together for 18 years.

How did you two meet?

Jeremy: We met in Pittsburgh, Pa., where I'm from. Alvin was studying at Carnegie-Mellon. I had come out to some friends in high school, and they found this gay youth group. So one night after my senior-class play we went to the party, and that's where we met. Alvin was the cutest guy there. We went on a date a week later -- and that was it.

Some monogamous couples allow some sexual activity outside the relationship, such as cruising online. What is your definition of monogamy?

Jeremy: I think the limit is any physical contact -- anything actually physically sexual with another person. But flirting with other people -- that's sort of all fine.

How did you two decide on monogamy? Were there any disagreements at first, or did any compromises have to be made?

Alvin: Not really -- it was just kind of how we were raised, and what we brought in with our own beliefs.

Jeremy: I think that Alvin kind of touched on something. I mean, his parents have been married for, what -- 60 years?

Alvin: Something like that. My parents had an arranged marriage, and their whole definition of marriage is very traditional. I didn't really stray from that ideal, I guess.

Jeremy: My biological parents separated when I was quite young, but they both remarried and both have stayed in those relationships -- so that's sort of the model I have. I don't have any moral objection to having an open relationship. For me, it seems like there are enough challenges in a relationship already, and being nonmonogamous might potentially bring up more. It's not that I haven't ever thought about it. It's just that it's sort of the unknown part that I don't feel comfortable with.

Alvin: That's sort of true with me, too -- because you could open yourself up to other things. It's kind of like, "How complex do you want to make this?" You know -- do you want low drama, or do you want high drama? [Laughs]

Have you two ever discussed what the consequences would be if someone broke the rules of your relationship?

Alvin: I think we've touched upon it a couple of times, but nothing seriously in-depth . . . I don't know -- we have and we haven't.

Jeremy: I think the general rule is that we would end our relationship first before either of us slept with anyone else.

It's not like we don't have separate lives. If Alvin wants to go out late, he can, or I can. I go out dancing or drinking with my friends. But I'm not going to go home with anyone else, and neither is he.

Do you socialize with anyone who's in a different sort of relationship?

Jeremy: I know a couple who've had threesomes, and it's worked for them. I don't think it's something where one size fits all. I know another couple who have opened up their relationship, and it's sort of spiced up their sex life.

And how do you keep your sex life fresh?

Jeremy: You can fall into a routine with work, and who's cooking dinner, and this and that -- so it's important to make time. We've blocked out time for "date nights," so, no matter what, we can spend time together.

The other thing is not only setting aside the time aside but also setting the mood. Sometimes Alvin comes home and it's like, "Oh my God, I've got to cook dinner, I've got to do the laundry" -- you know? But if I step up to the plate and make sure these things are done beforehand, we're going to have time for sex. Part of it is trying to create a romantic environment. Or going to Good Vibrations [a San Francisco erotica store] and shopping together.

Alvin: And definitely vacations together, because you're both out of your environment, and you're really spending quality time with each other -- that's really the key.

What do you think are the rewards of a monogamous relationship, as opposed to a different kind of relationship?

Jeremy: You're dealing with one other person, so compromise and negotiation is with one person -- as opposed to having multiple partners, which could open yourself up to potentially more complicated negotiations or compromises. And there's the health stuff too -- not to say that people don't play safe, but there's less likelihood of contracting STDs in a monogamous relationship. I guess for me it simplifies things.

Alvin: I think it allows you to become more in touch with the other person, too; you get to know that person really, really well -- or you open yourself up to that. People have all different levels of sharing, but I think that we've been very honest with each other. Sometimes we're a little bit too honest with each other -- at times we can be really blunt, but that's because we know each other really well.

What are some of the disadvantages of a monogamous relationship?

Alvin: It's kind of the flip side of what we've talked about, in some ways. ... Something we've said to each other in kind of a joking way is, "Sometimes I wish I'd met you when I was older," which means that we'd have more dating or relationship experience or whatever. But when it comes down to it, I don't really see this as a drawback -- we'd have more of a variety of experience, but that variety can be either good or bad. It's a mixed bag.

As two people in a successful relationship, what relationship advice do you have for other gay couples? What are your words of wisdom?

Jeremy: Part of what I've learned with Alvin is that many times there were certain assumptions I had made about where he was coming from or what he was saying, and when I finally checked in, I realized that my assumptions were completely off. Part of being in a relationship is identifying your own issues, which often have absolutely nothing to do with the other person. That can be a hard thing -- sometimes, we like to blame the other person. We need to look at our issues and see how they are affecting the relationship.

Alvin: I think it's really important to be really open and honest. It doesn't really matter if you're in a monogamous relationship or a polyamorous relationship or any other type of relationship. I think the key is respecting each other as people.


APPLAUSE FOR THIS COUPLE! MONOGAMY ROCKS AND IM GLAD THEY ARE ACTUALLY DOING IT! THERE IS HOPE FOR ME :)