Things I have Learned from Porn ...

These must be true, because they are shown in every porn movies.The thirty things I have learned about love by watching porn...1 Women wear high heels to bed2. Men are never impotent3. When going down on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory4. If a woman is caught masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle aged men7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob8. Women always have orgasm when men do9. A blowjob will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket10. All women are noisy cummers12. Those tits are real13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt14. Men always groan "oh Yes" when they cum15. If there is two of them, they high five each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted)16. Double penetration makes women smile17. Asian men don't exist18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't beat the shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth19. there's a plot20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the butt21. Nurses suck patient's cocks22. Men always pull out23. When your girlfriend busts you for getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking you both24. Women never have headaches, or periods25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to suck it26. Assholes are clean27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all concerned28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.29. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head, and the other proudly on his hip30. Dorky guys never have to beg.Of course, there is one final lesson not included above. Why are porn movies always about people I will never meet, doing things I will never do?"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "...holy shit...what a ride!"