Moving to Canada? Read this First...

http://www.jasunmark.com/page6.html

OK, so I've made no secret of the fact that I'm a Canadian/American half-breed, and although I love living in Toronto, I still yearn for the warm California Sun when I want to ride my motorcycle in January. Although I'll miss Toronto, I'm sure a game of beach volleyball on Valentine's Day will cure me of that. Generally, in Toronto in the first three months of the year are so cold your nads shrink a size.


And that just can't be allowed to happen.


But after the election, it's become more and more obvious that obnoxious, racist, homophobic Evangelical Christiain assholes and just plain assholes are taking over down there, and although I say people should stay and fight, many Americans are just simply sick and tired of trying to live in a country in which they don't feel welcome. So after conversing with all of the hunky American Sport Bike Riders in my Gay Sport Bike Rider's Yahoo Group (and man, are there ever some hotties there), I decided to write my own little synopsis of what Canadian city they should live in.


Vancouver is a beautiful west-coast city which is not unlike Seattle . The people there are extremely laid back; almost to a fault. There's not much of a late-night party scene there, but the skiing is amazing, and it's winter isn't cold so much as very wet. Vancouverites drink their weight in coffee every six hours, and it's the only city I know of where there actually is an intersection that has a Starbucks on all four corners. The men are either Chinese, or drop dead gorgeous and blond. "Conservative" means you drink decaf and only have one snowboard.

Toronto, again, is a great city. It's like mixing New York with St Louis. It's got a bit of an attitude problem, but there's a lot to do. Late night party scene is booming, and it's the first city in the world that had no racial majority. Very culturally diverse, Toronto is such a melting pot that it tends to throw peolple for a loop. Winters are cold but not unbearable, summers are exceedingly hot... you can't live in Toronto with no airconditioner unless you're a masochist. The largest gay population in Canada. "Conservative" means you wear underwear in July.


Calgary is an extremely cold, conservative city, kind of like moving to Texas with 8 feet of snow. But the winter sports can't be equalled. Most Canadians had bandied about the idead of trading Calgary to the Americans for Wayne Gretzky, but that was before we heard his daughter sing. The gay men in Calgary are either flaming or closeted cowboys. "Conservative" means you dislike Quebec, hate Toronto and think Americans aren't all that bad.


Halifax is amazing, if not remote. It's really about 4 smaller cities bunched around a harbour with two huge bridges that for some reason were built about three blocks from each other. Super-counter-culture place. Very artist friendly, but again, very remote. Winters are hell. Summers are short. But people move there and love it so much they're never heard from again. I particulary recommend Fleet Week. The downtown area has an indoor shopping mall filled with bars called the Liquor-Dome."Conservative" means you only drink 5 nights a week.


Hamilton. A Steel town where they work hard, play hard and didn't get the memo about the mullet being out of style. Think Pilly with people who say "eh?" at the end of sentences. They drink beer, play hockey and still listen to Warrant. Having a tattoo of an eagle need not be ironic. Keeps it's small town charm, and for a little exicitement, it's within driving distance of Toronto AND Buffalo. "Conservative" means you only voted for Sheila Copps twice.


Ottawa. A city full of people who party, drink and fuck all night long, then wake up in the morning and go to work for senators and Members of Parliament. Lots and gorgeous old stone buildings, all with places to hide your pot. "Conservative" is the name of the party that the guy you banged last night works for.


Montreal. Everybody's French Canadian and has bad teeth, but so friendly and otherwise hot, you'll forget that. Cold in the winter, but still an extremely cool city... probably the closest thing we've got to Manhattan. Big gay scene with men who are ready to go 24-7. "Conservative" means you pretend not to understand the English speaking tourist unless he's hot.


Barrie. The world's biggest suburb without a downtown. Aside from LA, of course. People from Barrie gleefully tell you it's the fastest growing city in the world, but all that means is that there's 4 Walmarts, 26 Taco Bells and no building taller than about three stories. "Conservative" means you spend more time at your cottage than at Paramount Canada's Wonderland.


Whitehorse. So cold you'll pray for death, but the people find rather bizarre ways of keeping themselves busy. The only place where not having a driver's licence but having two dog sleds isn't considered out of the ordinary. "Conservative" means you vote NPD.


Moncton. Horrid. Ugly. Dull. Like a really small Buffalo but not as pretty. The major tourist attractions include "Magnetic Hill" (where an optical illusion makes it look like your car is rolling backwards up-hill), "The Tidal Bore" (where... well, the tide comes in), the "Chrystal Palace" (which is like a hotel and a small shopping mall inside a big glass ball in a parking lot. Actually... it IS a hotel and a small shopping mall inside a big glass ball in a parking lot) and the "Moncton Game Farm" which is like a zoo, but just has things like racoons, cows and baders instead of Elephants and Lions. Has a rocking Gay Pride parade. "Conservative" means you don't agree with fixing up downtown.


Hope that helped.