lol keep it up and I'm going to have to come sit on your lap ;)
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lol keep it up and I'm going to have to come sit on your lap ;)
Don,
In my twenties, I would have said, "Fuck them. Tell them. Tell everyone. Go on Jerry Springer. They're the ones with the problem, not you."
I'm in my forties, and I've mellowed and chilled out. I have a weight problem. In September, I bought Dr. Phil's book and started doing something about it. One of the keys in his program is "healing old hurts." And I thought: Shit, I've already been through this with my father. I've already told him I thought he was a horrible father. For the better part of my life, I tried to get my father to love me in a way that I wanted.
I thought about this "key" of Dr. Phil's that suggested I should take things up with my father so I could move on. In the end I decided that my father is in his mid-60s and he doesn't need to hear all of this stuff again. It would only serve to hurt him (and my mother). And the fact is that we have a pretty good relationship now. So, why do I want to fuck that up?
I decided that I would have to find another way to heal these old wounds that are connected to my holding onto this excess weight. I hired a personal trainer and decided to let her be my "father," and she's teaching me all of the things about nuturing myself and my body that I needed my father to do. She showers me with praise, and joins in me with my successes.
Don, at this point in your life, ask yourself: is telling my parents going to enrich my relationship with them? Is it going to cause more harm than good?
At the same time, I think you can stand up to your parents when they say nasty things about your gay cousins. First of all, your parents know your gay. Somewhere in the back of their minds, it has occurred to them. So, the next time they say something nasty about gay people that you don't want to hear, you can simply say, "Mother, I have some pretty strong opinions about this issue, so if you would like to have this conversation, we can do so. Otherwise, let's please move on to something else."
If she persists: "MOTHER. Do you want to have this conversation?"
They'll lay their cards on the table, and you can take it from there. I mean, unless you absolutely think there's no way that they even have the smallest inkling that you're gay.
I just don't think you need to tell your parents to prove anything to yourself or them or your community. And if you're feeling guilty about not supporting the cause, then donate some money to PFLAG.
Good luck.
Cheers
Dzinerbear
Hon, you can sit on my lap anyday. :humble:Quote:
Originally posted by andymike
lol keep it up and I'm going to have to come sit on your lap ;)
Dzinerbear,
What a wonderful insight you have. I hope things are working out with the personal trainer. Good luck.
You have a lot of great points in your post. I'm sure my parents do know I'm gay, deep down, in fact they've made hints without realizing it. Plus, when I was growing up, the way they handled things they didn't want me to do or become was to criticize those attributes they didn't like. And I think that's why they are so negative about my gay cousins. I think they are trying to send a negative message about this to me to not choose this lifestyle. I'm sure they still think that it's a choice and not natural. But the truth is that they are not going to change. And believe me, when it comes to conversations about my cousins or gay marriage and stuff like that, I do not back down. They realize when they've stepped in the mud and change the topic of conversation very quickly.
And other than this, our relationship is really okay. It's just that I have such deep meaningfull relationships with my 'family of choice' here in LA that it's hard to have such a trite, basic relationship with my parents. But they are not deep people, they are basic and simple, which is not a negative thing. Maybe they have a better grip on things by being that way than most people, LOL! So I have to stop reading what I want in them and stop projecting onto them what I think they should be, the same way I want them to stop doing it to me (although you know how parents are). So I think that things are going to stay the way they are. Life is too short and at their age even shorter. Why stir up the waters now. If I had been more secure with myself in my 20's, then would have been the time. But now, it's too late. Besides, I have my family here for the love, support and closeness I need. And I've realized that I need to appreciate my parents for who and what they are. I cannot change them any more than they can change me.
Hey Don,
Thanks for the encouragement. Yes, things are going well with the trainer. My breasts are getting perky. Soon I hope be able to say "chest" instead of "breasts," although now I'm thinking I should have taken a shitload of pictures for a new gay reality site: Men with Tits. Do you think it would sell? :goof:
"And other than this, our relationship is really okay. It's just that I have such deep meaningfull relationships with my 'family of choice' here in LA that it's hard to have such a trite, basic relationship with my parents."
Yes, this is a tough one. Once I realized that I could get my emotional needs met by other people (and myself) and I didn't have to fret about not getting them from my parents, I was a lot better off. My relationship improved with my parents when I came to terms with it and realized "this is it, this is all I can expect from them."
So, I call them every couple of weeks and see them about 4 times a year, and we take about the weather, what's going on with their travelling and hobbies, and what's new in the family. Mundane, day-to-day shit.
I hug them goodbye, tell them I love them, and send them on their way. It's just the stuff that I decided that I needed to do because they're my parents, they took care of me, they sacrificed a lot for their kids, and it's just my way of saying, "Thank you, I respect what you've done." I probably wouldn't choose to have coffee with this people if I ran into them at the Second Cup, but that's life.
Good luck
Dzinerbear
It's over everyone!!! I survived a visit from my parents!!! I didn't tell them and they didn't ask, but I realized that I don't need to.
You know Dzinerbear, there is something a little startling about hearing your words come from another person, especially when that person says them better. LOL! You hit the nail right on the head. They had a pleasant visit and nothing has changed, but somehow I feel a little better about the whole thing. My computer is back to it's old gay self (with two punk boys kissing as the wallpaper) and I'm going to get all my goodies at my friend's place tonight. So things will get back to normal now.Quote:
My relationship improved with my parents when I came to terms with it and realized "this is it, this is all I can expect from them.
So, I call them every couple of weeks and see them about 4 times a year, and we take about the weather, what's going on with their travelling and hobbies, and what's new in the family. Mundane, day-to-day shit.
I hug them goodbye, tell them I love them, and send them on their way. It's just the stuff that I decided that I needed to do because they're my parents, they took care of me, they sacrificed a lot for their kids, and it's just my way of saying, "Thank you, I respect what you've done."
One funny thing is that my Dad's nephew was around with his family over the weekend, and I've been getting really buddy buddy with his kids lately (which is cool, considering the fact that I don't have a lot of family that I'm really close to). And he let me know, without really saying it in plain english, that he knew I was gay and that he was cool with it. It's kind of hard to write out the way it was said and convey the meaning properly, so I won't even try. But it was a really sweet moment.
Wow, what stimulating discussion. Thanks again to everyone who chimed in. I'm very grateful to have you all here. :)
Awesome stuff Don glad you made it thru okay ;)
Oh and you now know that you do have a family member you can talk to if needed also so thats a huge bonus i guess :groovy:
Now about those two punk boys :devil:
Regards,
Lee
Very true, Lee.Quote:
Originally posted by Lee
Awesome stuff Don glad you made it thru okay ;)
Oh and you now know that you do have a family member you can talk to if needed also so thats a huge bonus i guess :groovy:
Now about those two punk boys :devil:
Regards,
Lee
And the pic of the two boys was snagged off of a profile somewhere, so it wouldn't be right for me to post it here. But if you're really nice, I'll send it to ya in private. :D
awww, Don I'm glad it worked out for you babe!
That's fantastic news, Don! I'm glad everthing turned out well. :) I wish all of my mornings started off on such a positive note!!
So glad the visit went well! -- and you're back to restoring your gayness! big hug
Don,
I'm glad everything went alright and that you came to terms with some stuff. I'm happy something I said helped.
Hugs
Dzinerbear