how do you make sense of the death of a friend?

one of the people i was closest to in the world died. i found out tonight. i have had friends die before, but his death has no emotional connection for me. he was barely 40, felt fine, no symptoms of anything. then one day he didn't feel well, went to the hospital, and was diagnosed as having a late stage of a particularly aggressive form of leukemia. he didn't get to go home till the doctors decided he had only a few days left. they were right.

i know that he is gone. but i feel that right now, he is cooking one of his crazy dishes in the kitchen, and chopping vegetables. or playing his piano - maybe even one of the songs we wrote together. or watching tv with his beloved dog.

he was always up to something, always having ideas. he never came out to his parents, but his younger brother knew he was gay. he was always up for a new experience, he was affectionate, and he could be quite argumentative. he was full of spiritual ideas, and he was always building new parts to his rented house. he was a great host, and so cheap that one year, i had to threaten to stop playing music at his place to get him to light the heater. he brought many wonderful people into my life, and i remember when he first met his s/o.

rob was a great friend - more like family - and my world has a hole in it where rob once existed in the lives of his friends.

why am i posting this here? because i feel i have made friends on this board, friends who i hope won't mind if i vent and let this out a little. somehow it's a little easier in writing, and easier still to know that some of you will relate. thanks for reading this...

Sitting down next to you, and just holding you close ... losing someone you loved, whether thru longterm illness or they're just suddenly gone isn't and doesn't ever get easy. I know you'll hear time will help to heal the grief, but I personally feel that the "wound" to my heart when a loved one passes merely serves as a window that lets me see them anytime I wish. Hold on to those "good time memories", it's what lets them live on inside you.

much love

thank you, bec. that was beautiful, and appreciated. words on a page can't say how much.

i have spent a good deal of this evening remembering the good times i had with rob, the bad times, the music, the arguments... SO many times with that man. so many more memories than one night or one lifetime could possibly hold...

wow...i don't know what to say. Just that we all love you here and that we really appreciate you sharing this with us. I'm very touched and moved. I wanted to let you know that my heart is with you, and just like Bec said, think of all the good times you had with him...

We only just met today...but I felt like we'd known each other for a long time. I know you did too the way you just walked right up to me and said "Wow... you're not just an avatar". You made me feel like I just met a friend I'd known for a long time and just didnt' know it.

Knowing you must have been a wonderful thing to him... And I'm sure that you made him feel wonderful..just the way that you made me feel.

Life is a horrible and amazing thing. Be happy that he got to experience it, and be glad that you got to be with him when he did.

Be glad that you're still here to tell us the tale.. tell us how lucky you were to know him.

Because he was lucky to know you.

deepest sympathies bass! , wishing you peace at this time!

sincerely ~ jim

patti,
i'm sorry
big bear hugging you
Michael

Words usually don't help, when one is in deep pain over the loss of someone close to him... It must be horrible and I can only relate to the time when my grandad passed away... It was a shock, totally unexpected and one always feels the guilt because we never do enough justice to people when they are still alive...

Crying out loud helps me a lot. Talking about it, even about those silly moments helps a lot. Grieving... it is personal thing, but on the other hand, you have to get all your emotions out, be it talking to your partner, other friends, or just US here on the board.

I always feel a bit of a comfort because of the fact that my grandad was such a big part of my life and he helped to shape me into the person I am know... so he's in my mind untill I die... I think it's same with good friends. The hole you feel will be soon filled with sticky memories of your friend... and it won't be a hole anymore, but it will go on as a part of you, that part that was left when your friend passed... all that greatness.

wow, you guys - thank you. thank you so VERY much. i read your responses, and i cried. and i came back and read them again after sitting up with my memories. reading this again was so comforting after spending a few hours remembering singing with rob...

jasun - i don't know how to explain it, but you feel like someone i would always have known...

Lossing someone you care for deeply is always hard as Bec said. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how long you've known them, but merely what kind of impact they had on you. I lost my grandfather when I was 10 years old to a massive coranary. Dead before he hit the ground type of thing. Though I was young and unknown to hard deaths, I still to this day feel his loss in my life. I was his little girl, his "sweet angel". Now he's mine and has been for a long time. Just remember, how heaven (or whatever happy afterlife you believe in) has to deal with threatening to stop playing music until he turns the heat on. He's here, though not in a way you can phyiscally sense him. But he's here. In your heart, in your mind, and now, he's in our memories as the great man you've shown us he was. :angel: :sun:

*hugs to ya*

My thoughts are with you Patti. Take care of yourself.

Bass.. I really feel your loss. I had a very dear friend pass the same way. It was all so sudden, and I felt so helpless. You want to do something, but can not. It was something that was very difficult for me, and I have gone through the same feelings you are having now. The memories I have of our friendship have helped me a great deal, and for the last 10 years since his passing, we have had an annual memorial, and fundraiser in his name. It helps a great deal to have something like this to look forward to, its like going home to be with a friend each year (its held in a city 350 miles away) and I look forward to it.

We raise money for the cancer foundation, and talk and remember our good friend, son, and brother. It truly is like going home to visit him each year, for we know he is there is spirit. I hope you can do something similar..

My deepest sympathy goes out to you.. take good care of those memories.

Patti,

Please accept my deepest sympathy.

Loosing anyone who has made an impact on your life is something that stays with you forever. As Bec said, time doesn't heal a wound to the heart. But sharing the experience of knowing him - the fun and the not so fun, with people who care about YOU can dull the pain while you get used to the space that's in your life.

Know that you are loved, here, by so many. I can only hope that you will take that love and wrap yourself up in it, to help get you through this difficult time.

My warmest regards,
Gary-Alan

Patti,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I have also had a loss in the last year and I know just how hard it can be when you really care for someone and then they are no longer there.

At the same time, just reading the responses, I think it is wonderful how close people are on this board and what a caring cyberspace community it is.

I hope to get to know you under better circumstances in the future -- but want to thank you for your post and as a result bringing this group of people closer together.

My sympathies go out to you,

BoyNation

Dearest Patti,

Reading your words, I gathered a sense of the love you felt for Rob.

We are all placed in eachothers lives for a purpose. We never know when our day will come or even when our friends days will come as you have just discovered. That is the most difficult process in life but one that hold incredible power over us.

Your post has reminded me to hold close and dear those in my life whom I cherrish and love.

Everyday new people come into our life and I try to never take for granted the impact that I will have on them or what role and impact they will have in my life.

Life, love, friendships and truth are a gift we give to one another. Death is the reminder to cherrish eachother while we still have our physical bodies and to be truethful to ourselves and our loved ones. I believe Rob left knowing full well how much you loved him and treasured him.

Patti, Rob's soul has crossed over to a new chapter in his progression. Though I don't know him, I bid him peace.

This part is your process and one I thank you for sharing with us. I'm here if and when you need me.
Peace to you Patti.

Patti, I'm so sorry to read this and that I did not see it sooner. Losing a friend is never an easy thing. Especially when they are so close as to consider them family. I've been on a spiritual path in the past few years and I firmly believe that this life is only a small part in our greater journey. It's like taking a cosmic cruise, you put your regular existance aside for a time while you get on this great big ship, and you make friends with your fellow passengers and you follow the trip from beginning to end, and when you are done you go off onto what other great adventures await you. Your friend is off on his next big adventure. And you are left with all these wonderful memories of him. Mourn, feel the sadness, cry all you want (it's free, nobody is stopping you), and cherish the good times (even the bad ones). He's a part of you and you will always have him. And know that you have your family and friends, and that includes us, your family here at GWW. *big hugs

Oh, and vent all you want. It makes the post count go up. LOL!

How you holding up Lady? We are all thinking about you. My husband, my son and I did a special meditation for you when we tucked in my son at bedtime. Hope you can still feel it.

i'm holding up - i'm sort of numb for now. thank you and your family very much for thinking of me. i'm touched.

don mike - thanks for everything, and that unsentimental ending got a laugh for sure.

thank you, all! your responses on this thread made me feel better, and a little more connected.

Patti,
I just wanted to send you some warm woofs...you are an awesome woman and I am so sorry for your loss. It sucks losing someone. I really hope you are feeling better..they are in good hands!

Buck

Quote:

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Originally Posted by basschick

don mike - thanks for everything, and that unsentimental ending got a laugh for sure.

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I tend to use humor to deal with things. They always say that laugher is the best medicine. My friend's mom has always been like a second mother to me, and very much an inspiration to the kind of person I am today. In fact, I always call her "mom". She was telling me about when her mother was in her last days and she had gone to the hospital with her brother to stay with her. Well, the nurse hadn't told them that thier mother had been moved so when they got to her room there was an elderly black woman in her place. Without missing a beat, "Mom" said to her brother, "Well, at least she's got her color back". LOL!

I think even in my darkest moments I try to find some glimmer of humor. It keeps me going. I hope my comment wasn't too out of place, Patti. I only thew that in because I care about you and figured you'd need a little smile in the midst of everything.

Be well, you know we are all here for you. (hugs)