Can str8 and gay men really be only friends?

I've known one young (19 yo) straight dude for about a year and a half. We met thru the internet and found several common things that interest us. He was unaware of me being gay until I decided to hint that fact in some way, so he asked me if I was and I said yes.

Ever since it's been as if I am in the interrogation room, constantly under a barrage of questions that boil down to one - will I ever try to shag him. That would be so terrible that he'd be forced to beat the hell out of me. I've been telling him the answer to the question is a resounding no, because he's straight and I respect this fact, and furthermore once I've known a male person for some time as a friend, be he str8 or gay, he becomes fixated in my mind as a friend only, and any sexual feelings that might have existed usually fade away rapidly.

He seemed to be kind of satisfied with that until recently when he asked me if I would have sex with him if he were really, truly, gay or very curious. With some reluctance I said yes but not in the sense of being obsessed with the idea. I understood that question rather like "Do you find me attractive enough to have sex with me'.

Well, that seems to have sealed off our friendship (if it was friendship at all). He says he can't stand the situation where I could even think for a minute to be aroused by him. If we hang out and my dick goes up while thinking of him, then we don't have a real friendship. It doesn't matter I wouldn't act on that thought and wouldn't try to make a pass on him pshysically. Also the thought that I might have or might be jerking off thinking about him is disgusting.

He thinks that the only way for a straight guy to be friends with a gay guy is if the gay guy is madly in love with another gay guy, so that the str8 guy is safe then. Oh, by the way, he also thinks he's not homophobic at all :shifty:

It's not really important for the general situation, but maybe it's ok for me to emphasize that physically he's kinda cute but nothing extraordinary, and certainly not my ideal type (I'm into masculine 30 y/o butch men, not twinks), and has never been an object of my wet dreams.

So there you have it. A gay guy wants a non-sexual friendly relationship with a str8 guy, but finds it impossible to explain to him that he's not actively thinking about the possiblitity of a gay adventure with him. What is he to do?

I'd also very much like to hear from you 100% straight webmasters - would you consider it a compliment or a nasty, disgusting threat if a gay guy told you he finds you moderately (or very) attractive but will not pursue his instincts because you had made it clear you're straight? Would it make you queasy whether your gay friend occasionally jerks off thinking about you (providing you're sure he will never ask you to blow you)? Or would you consider that also as a compliment?

Can a straight and a gay man really be only friends?

gay here! , and yes! , straight and gay can be friends! , and just because the other is "extremly-f**kable" doesn't mean you have to have sex with them , it just means their "attractive!"
i find that this particular question needs to always be answered with "no! , i don't want to sleep with you , were just friends!" , because any other answer leads to more questions and the "friendship" quickly "disolves"
if you find that he is pressuring you! , obviously he has some feelings about this! , but unless you know for sure , if you value his friendship don't do it! , just my spin on it! :)

sincerely ~ ..."if i say yes!"... - 5 star

Yes, you can be only friends. I have a ton of friends that are str8 guys and we’re strictly friends. We hang out, sleep in bed together, go out, etc... The fact that I am gay was never an issue.

Greetings:

You forgot one of the most obvious choices:

"Yes, as long as the straight guy is really ugly and has a small dick".

:goof:

Of course you can be friends. Sounds like this 19 year old is immature and needs to grow up and check his ego.

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Originally Posted by JustMe

Greetings:

You forgot one of the most obvious choices:

"Yes, as long as the straight guy is really ugly and has a small dick".

:goof:

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DAMN! You beat me to it!

My best friends are straight but even though they are relatively attractive, they just aren't my type. They are like brothers to me because we all grew up together. But one of them has a really big dick ;)

I think the real question is; can gay men be friends with other gay men? Hmmm....

it depends on your definition of friendship - and that varies from person to person.

many straight guys - and women - feel that you are not really friends with someone if you would fuck them, given the chance and no emotional ties on either end. a lot of straight guys are never really friends with women for this reason - it would be possible to fuck them in the right circumstances. and in a way, i can see it.

after all, it's not a non-sexual friendship if sex is part of it on one person's end. if someone looks at a person and feels horny, it's sexual - whether it's acted on or not. and if non-sexual is part of the definition of friendship for a person, the answer here might be no - unless he is REALLY not your style.

OK so here goes....

I'm a straight guy working in gay adult - hmmm interesting combo you may say.

I have had many guys make passes at me without them even realising that I work in adult and as far as I'm concerned it is a compliment.

The fact that a guy thinks I'm hot enough to warrant a come-on is fantastic - but I'm just not interested.

I have many guys that are gay that I'm friends with - they are nice people and have never made any moves on me and for them to exercise such self restraint (I know it's hard hehehe) is fantastic.

Cheers,

Allan

My husband Donnie has a couple friends that are gay and it's never been an issue. Sure, they think he's HOT. And he is but that doesn't mean they are going to jump his bones or bone, hehehe.

Donnie is 100% secure with his identity and it sounds to me that your friend is not. There is probably some underlying issue there but I won't speculate.

You must feel a little bad that you were being honest with this kid and he totally pulled away from you and for that I'm sorry. But your better off without such a headcase.

I feel for you having to go through this... if we switch perspectives to a straight man befrending a 17 1/2 year old lesbian he had stuff in common with.. and remaining friends until she was 19, at which point she felt uncomfortable with the straight man being friends with her.. maybe we can see things more clearly.

Maybe she is uncomfortable with her sexuality and doesn't trust herself, or him. Maybe she thinks he has alterior motives.

Sorry you had to go through this.. it really sucks :notsure:

Ben, I know it is hard to pass up what could have been a good friendship, but Mamakitty is right. You don't need the headache. The guy's obviously got baggage and a whole bunch of issues. The only thing you can do is be nice to him and give him his space. He probably thinks you are a certain way because you are gay and if you get defensive about this, you will just be prepetuating whatever negative stereotype is making him so defensive. The best thing you can do is say, "I'm sorry you feel this way. You will pass up the chance to make a lot of good friends in your life by feeling this way. It was nice knowing you." If he really thinks about your friendship and feels he does not want to lose it then he will come back. If not, then you didn't really lose anything real.

I think at this point he wants you to fight with him so he can feel justified in his actions. He's just letting his fear dictate his choices. He will learn a much more valuable lesson if you just say goodbye. It will make him deal with his feelings rather than being able to blame them on you. :)

squirt - most of the lesbians i know who befriended str8 men usually got hit on eventually, sometimes quite forcefully.

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Originally Posted by basschick

squirt - most of the lesbians i know who befriended str8 men usually got hit on eventually, sometimes quite forcefully.

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Damn it, I went about high school all wrong.

Me saying I was lesbian would have probably worked since the kids I hung with were either gay/lesbian or weird. Had I only known I might have had some dates. Oh well, better luck next life.

http://www.cockscash.com/rotf.gif http://www.cockscash.com/rotf.gif http://www.cockscash.com/rotf.gif

i've known several men who pretend to be gay to get girls, but the guys who want to "turn" lesbians are usually only talking sex, not dates.

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Originally Posted by Mamakity

Damn it, I went about high school all wrong.

Me saying I was lesbian would have probably worked since the kids I hung with were either gay/lesbian or weird. Had I only known I might have had some dates. Oh well, better luck next life.

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Originally Posted by basschick

http://www.cockscash.com/rotf.gif http://www.cockscash.com/rotf.gif http://www.cockscash.com/rotf.gif

i've known several men who pretend to be gay to get girls, but the guys who want to "turn" lesbians are usually only talking sex, not dates.

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How odd! Men will do anything to get laid! :sneak:

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Originally Posted by Mamakity

My husband Donnie has a couple friends that are gay and it's never been an issue. Sure, they think he's HOT. And he is but that doesn't mean they are going to jump his bones or bone, hehehe.

Donnie is 100% secure with his identity and it sounds to me that your friend is not. There is probably some underlying issue there but I won't speculate.

You must feel a little bad that you were being honest with this kid and he totally pulled away from you and for that I'm sorry. But your better off without such a headcase.

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And that's one of the things I really love about Donnie. He's totally secure and can hang out and play without worry. But I did get kinda excited when I MISREAD your post the first time about underlying issues - you know I would have help Donnie with them. LOL SMOOCH!


But seriously Ben, I have to agree with most here. It's sad that things went the way they did, sometimes it's better you find out now. The issues here are not yours. They belong to him. You had your honesty shoved back at you and that's not good for you.

One of my oldest and dearest friends, Bill, is str8. We've known each other since freshmen year at prep school. He was the second person I came out to. I was secure in the friendship, but I did worry. I think I did insult him when I came out, then said "It's doesn't mean I want to fuck you". It never crossed his mind. He was more concerned for me since I was so emotional.

So to answer your question... Yes, we can all be friends.

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Originally Posted by Gary-Alan

"It's doesn't mean I want to fuck you".

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Now theres a thought hahahaha

I still want to get that model release signed by Bill :devil:

Regards,

Lee

From what you've described of the relationship and the conversation, i think there's a pretty good chance that your friend is exploring his own sexuality, and is either thinking or knows that he might be bi/gay.

The fact that he was fine with your answer for a while and then asked the other question would indicate to me that he's nervous for himself... not because you might jump on him and fuck him when he's not expecting it, but because he's afraid it might put him in a situation where he'd say yes... and that would screw up his whole world. Honestly, I don't think even if you'd answer "no, not in a million years" it would have made any difference... in that case, he'd probably be offended that you didn't find him cute enough...

So, honestly, you're probably best just leaving the situation be, telling him that if he ever feels comfortable, you would be happy to have a friendship with him that precludes even the remotest possibility of anything other than friendship.

I've had several friends who seemed totally straight, denied even the slightest bi or questioning tendencies, but 5 or 10 years later came out full-bore... and the patterns they went through aren't far off of what you are describing, so i think that's at least a possiblity.

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Originally Posted by Gary-Alan

And that's one of the things I really love about Donnie. He's totally secure and can hang out and play without worry. But I did get kinda excited when I MISREAD your post the first time about underlying issues - you know I would have help Donnie with them. LOL SMOOCH!

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LOL. Gary I love you.

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Originally Posted by Mamakity

LOL. Gary I love you.

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I love you right back, Mama!




Good points, boyfunk!

I am friends with a great many of you - and with several I consider myself bloody good friends.

Outside of the web world I have heaps of friends who's sexuality is different to mine.

Not to mention I work with CuriousTim, who is as camp as a row of tents, and I deal with gay guys as part of business all the time.

A quite a few of both of the above groups have made passes at me, which is quite flattering an does not perturb me in the least.

For those of you who know, many of YOU have heard my tired old line, "If you got a great boob job and lost the tackle we could have a wonderful life together", so I suppose I have hit you with a variation of a pickup line myself !

The answer, can we be friends, is an unequivocal and resounding "YES" and everyday we prove it to be true.

I have absolutely NO issue with my sexuality or that of others, never have, never will. I do NOT have 2 sets of rules for friends, or even in relationships for that matter. I do NOT have hang ups nor I am biased or discriminatory in any way.

I treat people as they treat me, not based on any silly factor like race, color, creed, sex or sexuality.

But then I AM different to the majority of straight blokes though, which, I think, and then only in SOME ways, is a damn shame.

He he

:P

Thank you all for great answers! I was thinking along the same lines as most of you. The boy has some unresolved issues, and projected his fears into our friendly relationship. He hasn't contacted me for two days, and I think I'll listen to Mamakitty's and Don's advice.

The way he's been treating me since i told him about my sexual orientation was... demeaning in many ways. I don't like to put up with constant questioning, e.g. when I ask him to go to the movies he thinks there's some hidden sexual motive behind it. I'm definitely no angel, but hey I'm not THAT superficial & tactless.

He also resorted to intentional lies and sly, deceitful questionings in order extract some "truth" about my real intentions, but I can't get into that now. Suffice to say it left a very bad taste in my mouth (no pun intended lol).

And certainly, it's good to know there are straight men who don't mind being flattered by gay guys! (Ozmalegalleries and Curioustoyboy). Sadly, most straight men are not like you and after this experience I don't believe I'll come out as easy as I have. IMO the rift between straight and gay men still remains huge, and it's the straight guys that need their egos and pride checked more than the gay ones.

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Originally Posted by Ben

IMO the rift between straight and gay men still remains huge, and it's the straight guys that need their egos and pride checked more than the gay ones.

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The world would be a MUCH better place if you were not so damned right !

:(

Man I'd be dumping any "friend" who made an issue of my lifestyle. Either play nice - or get the fuck away from me. I don't have time for assholes.

Unless they are attached to a lovely wiggling behind.
:thumbsup:

IMO the rift between straight and gay men still remains huge, and it's the straight guys that need their egos and pride checked more than the gay ones.

When this discussion comes up I wonder why anyone is surprised that the majority of straight men seem so uncomfortable around gay men.

Really .. they can't hardly communicate with the gender they are on a
Mission To Fuck! Bless their over-taxed brains. :shifty:

Anyway .. men mature slow. It's kinda natural for a 19 year old not being able to get over his circular thinking. At 19 the first bull dyke I met, scared the crap out of me, and I of course thought she wanted to jump me everytime she saw me.

Pffft! Youth .. it's wasted on the young.

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Originally Posted by Madame0120

Pffft! Youth .. it's wasted on the young.

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DAMN RIGHT! I like the Mork & Mindy concept..... hatch from an egg old and grow younger :king:

I think straight guys are great.. when they don't know you're Gay... sitting around together drinking.. talking about their sexual conquests. The comradery men have is great, straight or Gay, when you get a good group together.

I think it all comes down to how comfortable you are with each other and yourself. I'm straight but have some gay friends and it is not a issue at all. I respect them, they respect me. I think alot young guys are immature and think that if they are friendly in any way with a gay guy they think/feel that it somehow reflects on them. That's pretty fucking stupid, but some people cant get past that. :wacko:

I am straight. Two of my best friends are gay. First one was best friend in primary and secondary school. He was always different but his sexuality was unknown to me as a kid. Second guy remains my best male friend. We went to university together. He came out when he was about 30. It was only then i thought back and said hmmmm, Eli never did go out with women.

I totally agree with BoyFunk. Your friend has some serious issues about himself. If you had such a great friendship both would do whatever it takes to work it out, but with him freaking out at the fact that you think he is attractive goes to show you that he does have some sexuality problems with himself. Why should he feel wierd around you? He can tell you no if you ever came on to him but for some reason he must not have the mental self control and just tries to avoid the situation all together.