Reposted from AVN. Is this for real? check out the President's comments...can anyone make sense of them?
Yet Another Top-Level Domain Name for Porn?
by Bob Young
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a truly shocking and precedent-setting move, one which has adult webmasters both rattled and surprised, George Bush used his Executive Powers this week to pass, and immediately approve a new TLD for the adult Internet. Dot-PERV is set to go live on December 25th of this year.
“If the fish and the people can live in peace, then certainly we can have a domain name that will advancify the proccessification of revenue transfer that pornographers need to make back to the American people of given political position of signification,” the President said earlier today. “I believe in my heart that it will unite the American people behind this dream for special additional enhancement of the have class. God thinks its right, too. So we certainly need to do this to fight the spread of global terrorism and advance democracy in the Middle East.”
Webmasters weren’t alone in their bewilderment over the Commander-in-Chief’s puzzling move, as right wing Christian organizations were also stupefied by the move.
Pat Robertson, when asked about the new TLD simply replied “What’s an ‘internet’?”
A spokesperson for the group Citizens Outraged by Nudity (CON) also expressed confusion.
“Okay, so when they say ‘dot-perv’ how exactly do they mean the ‘perv’ part to be interpreted? Some illegal pornographers are proud of that word, so if they mean it in a cool way then I’m against this. If they mean it to be calling porn site owners and their users perverts, meaning perverts in a bad way, well then I’m all for that,” explained CON media analyst Chastity Perfect.
Liberal fronts, such as the “Democrats for Progressive Change” organization, have been scrambling all morning to investigate the Pros and Cons of this new internet TLD. Thus far, they have come up with only a brief statement “We are all for free speech, and if this new TLD means free speech, then we are all for free speech. Hey, one question: Can we tax it?”
The new extension, to be run and monitored by the secret Skull & Bones Society of Yale University, will decide which sites to approve, and feel they are the best representative of the United States’ community view on pornography and adult material.
“We look at so much porn here at Yale it’s fucking insane,” said a shadowy man who refused to identify himself. “Rich white conservative guys have been supporting the American porn industry for years, so it only makes sense that we now get to say something about porn on the internet. Personally, I’m pushing for more rough sex sites. I like it when bitches get smacked.”
All adult webmasters will be required to transfer their adult Dot-COM sites to the new Dot-PERV extension within two weeks of the deadline. So far, only two domains have been approved: BillClintonisaManWhore.perv and HillaryisaSlut.perv.
Adult entrepreneur Gary Kremen has filed a lawsuit demanding the rights to sex.perv.
Another Skull & Bones statesman, “Bonesman X” states, “There really is no need for an adult Internet business. MTV, reality television, and Super Bowl halftime shows have propagated all the porn needed for an advanced society. And you don’t see any kids happening upon the Carl’s Jr website by accident. This new TLD will both wipe out child pornography, and children’s accidental access to pornographic images on the internet. This move will also reduce the chances of rape on college campuses, as proven by many studies.”
Not everyone is on the fence about Dot-PERV. YNOT has learned that a portion of each Dot-PERV registration will go to an organization called Christians Against Sexual Health (CASH). CASH Executive Director Ima Prude told YNOT that Dot-PERV will be a big benefit to the adult website community.
“This new TLD will wipe out child pornography,” said Prude. “I’m not sure how, but it’s important to think positive about things like this. This TLD also shows tremendous potential to stop any child anywhere from seeing a naked human tit, although I do admit it stops short of shielding out man boobs. The adult industry should also get behind this TLD because if they don’t, they’re pedophiles and I’ll report them to the FBI. Let’s see, this TLD will also reduce instances of rape according to our psychology expert, who we just hired last week to say that. If we all think real happy thoughts about it, I’m convinced it can also cure cancer and eliminate hunger in West Africa. Only a communist wouldn’t get behind this.”
VISA card representatives, who were asked for comment, offered the following: “Visa has never supported the use of our cards for the purchasing of adult content by perverts. If perverts are using our cards to buy porn then we are totally unaware. Honest. Any action taken by the President of the United States to help reduce rapes, protect children, cure cancer and feed the hungry in Africa is fine with VISA and our shareholders, and we would like to remind the government that we remain thankful for their recent improvements to United States bankruptcy laws, which of course were designed only to help consumers.”
President Bush’s Press Secretary, Scott McClellan, expects little opposition to Dot-PERV from adult webmasters.
“What are they going to do, revoke my paysite memberships?” he sneered. “As if I’d have to buy one of their little site memberships when they give everything away for free. Adult webmasters are the embodiment of apathy. Sure, a few will complain on a message board or two, but we know how to take care of that. Members of the Bush Youth League have already been planted on the webmaster boards, and they’re ready to mock complainers with chants of ‘The sky is falling! The sky is falling!’ Eager to appear level-headed, the rest of the so-called adult webmasters will quickly join in on the chant and any intelligent debate will be killed. I think at the end of the day webmasters know that they’re our little bitches and it’s best for them to just order another pizza through the PizzaHut.com website, keep giving out their content for free so that smart people like me don’t have to buy it, vote Republican, and shut the fuck up.”
According to industry observers, the new Dot-PERV TLD comes from adult webmasters’ total lack of concern for their industry.
McClellan added, “This domain makes online porn very easy to segregate and filter out, and I’m quite grateful for the undeniable link between the word ‘apathetic’ and the term ‘adult webmasters’.”
Adult webmasters are urged to start submitting their requests for domains under this new TLD, even though it appears nearly impossible to get a site approved in America, thus the likely demise of the entire US-based adult internet workforce. Anyway, it is being reported that all the best names have already been promised to wealthy businessmen.
McClellan also let slip that by the time adult webmasters know what has hit them, all their US traffic will be redirected to the Republican Party contribution page. Believing his microphone was turned off, McClellan was heard to say, “Adult webmasters don’t care enough to guard their own industry, so really they had this coming. It’s like taking candy from a baby. And by the time they figure this all out, we’ll have made billions of dollars. What are they gonna do?”
This satire contributed to YNOT by Bob Young. Who the hell is that? We'll leave that to all you apathetic webmasters to figure out.
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Originally Posted by tombarr
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