Closet Question

[Ounique]

Okay everyone. I'm totally laying my personal stuff on the line here but this has really been buggin' me. My folks are coming to visit and they will be staying with me. Now, I am a huge advocate of being open, honest to yourself and everyone around you, and doing my best to help people get rid of those closet doors. However, the only two people in the world whom I've never come out to are my parents. They are both in their late 70's. They are both very Catholic. And they are very homophobic. Now, my problem is this. I'm not afraid to tell them, I don't think they will love me any less, or boot me out of the family. But I see what my gay cousins who have come out have gone through. My one cousin's mom ended up in the hospital because she literally willed herself sick over it. My parents always talk about what a terrible person he is for putting her through that and they still, after 10 years, refer to his husband as "that man". If I tell them, I forsee it as something that will cause them misery for the rest of thier lives. I know it is their hang-up and not mine. I feel no shame for who I am nor the things I have done (even the really kinky ones, heh heh). But would it really help anything to tell them? Am I being more of a disservice to myself and my community? Or am I just saving them from some self-inflicted anguish? I would very much like to hear what you all have to say on this subject. Thanks.

[Scorpio]

Quite frankly Don, it would not really help anything to tell them.
Only my brothers and my mother know about me... My father don't and i won't tell him. If he asks me, i'll tell him yes i am gay... but if he doesn't ask, then he won't know and that's fine with me

It's my own business, i'm not hiding it nor shoving it in people's face

In your case, you said your parents were very homophobic... what could happen if you tell them? Maybe open their eyes and be more open about the issue or make them uncomfortable and even make them sick so quite frankly, i would not say anything... if i felt that there would be a chance that it might hurt my parents, then i would never even try to tell them. Just my 2 cents.

[Gary-Alan]

Don, sweetie.

Based on everything you said here, I wouldn't say anything. As you mentioned you're parents are older, they would make themselves sick over it. I think you have to ask yourself, "In the end, what good would come from it?"

You live your life freely and you're not ashamed of it. You don't hide from it. And from what you've said this isn't something you hide from them you just haven't said anything to confirm or deny it. I still wouldn't say anything.

I feel no shame for who I am nor the things I have done (even the really kinky ones, heh heh).

This is one of the many reasons I admire you!

But would it really help anything to tell them?

From what you've said... No. From what you've said it doesn't even seem to bring relief to you or your relationship with them.

Am I being more of a disservice to myself and my community?

Some would say yes. I've heard this one over and over again. And to be honest this does NOT involve our community... this is about you and your parents ONLY.

Or am I just saving them from some self-inflicted anguish?

Yes you are. And while I think being open is important, I don't think it is if it is to the detriment of those we love. Since you love your parent and know them enough that this will hurt more than help, then I can only suggest that you leave it alone.

You are not a horrible man, Don. And you still will not be a horrible man no matter what you decide to do.

My two cents...

Love ya,
GA

[BDBionic]

I'm the last guy you'd want an answer on this from seeing as how I came out to extended family during my Best Man toast at my brother's wedding...

[Scorpio]

Originally posted by BDBionic
I'm the last guy you'd want an answer on this from seeing as how I came out to extended family during my Best Man toast at my brother's wedding...

no you didn't! wow, how did it go? Have it on film?

[Jasun]

Don, your situation sucks, but to be honest, I'm gonna break with the pack here.

Yes, it might cause them some upset, but let's face it.. they're not gonna be around forever, and don't you think that they should get to know the real you before they go?

I mean really, as it is, there's this huge piece of your life that you've held back from them, you've been acting and pretending to be another person, and quite frankly, that's the person they think is their son, and they're wrong... dead wrong.

My mother considered hiding me being gay from the grand parents, going so far as to say that she hoped they'd die before they found out. I've never been so hurt in my life... but that's not the point. She eventually told her father, who said he was surprised, but that he was glad he found out.. he never wanted the family to be holding anything back from "the old man".

I'd tell them.. Quite honestly, I think you owe it to them to let them meet their actual son for the first time.

Oh, and BDBionic, I've got a similar sister's wedding coming out loudly story.. but this thred is about Don.

We'll have beer some time.

[Scorpio]

Even if you know there is a chance that it could cause some problems like health...? I mean yeah it could go well but it would go wrong. They are at a certain age in life that you have to consider.
I don't know, i just would never allow myself to that point.

My 2 cents still

Don, you said "Am I being more of a disservice to myself and my community?"... you know what, fuck the community... this is just between you and your family. It is a subject that only concerns you and the ones you love. You can't think about telling them just to help the community.

My 2 cents again

Love you Don

[Ounique]

Originally posted by Jasun
I mean really, as it is, there's this huge piece of your life that you've held back from them, you've been acting and pretending to be another person, and quite frankly, that's the person they think is their son, and they're wrong... dead wrong.

First of all, thank you to everyone who's replied so far. I'd like to see this discussion keep going. And Gary-Alan and Scorpio, your kind words make me feel a lot better about this situation.

Jasun - I respect what you have said and you raise several good points. However, the sad part is that my parents have this fantasy of who and what I should be, and they don't seem to want to break away from that. I've tried to let them in on a lot of parts of my life, from my music, my friends and a lot of things, and they really weren't interested. It's not that they are bad people, it's just that they don't really have much comprehesion about things outside of the little box they live in. And the fact that I'm sort of the black sheep of the family is hard for them to take in the first place. In their eyes, I should be working for a bank or insurance company, with a wife, kids and 2.5 children, house, white picket fence and all that crap. But again, thanks for the input.

The reason why this comes up is because I am in the process of de-gaying my house. This makes me more sad than anything else. Putting away pictures of my friends, awards I've won and other things that deal with my life in the gay and leather community. But the funny thing about this is that I almost forgot to get rid of the porn!!! I didn't even notice all the left over bags of swag from Internext or the DVDs of movies I've composed music for. I don't even think of it as porn anymore, it's just business! LOL!!! Last minute dash to hide the porn. I feel like I'm in high school. LOL.

[Ounique]

Originally posted by BDBionic
I'm the last guy you'd want an answer on this from seeing as how I came out to extended family during my Best Man toast at my brother's wedding...

OMG!!! That had to be something else!

[Platinum Doug]

I'm with the rest of the crew, Don. If you don't feel the need to tell them, then don't. All that matters, as you say, is how you feel about yourself. If their knowing isn't an integral part of your happiness, then telling them serves no purpose. And after all, it is your personal life . . . and if you're going to keep something to yourself, it might as well be that!

Just MY 2 cents - unfortunately, it's Canadian - hope that's allowed!

[Ounique]

Originally posted by Platinum Doug
Just MY 2 cents - unfortunately, it's Canadian - hope that's allowed!

Of course it's allowed. And thank you. I'm feeling a lot better about this visit. Thanks everybody.

BTW, Platinum Doug, is that you in your avatar pic???

(starts thinkin' about how nice Canada is this time of year)

[Platinum Doug]

Haha! Yeah, Don, tiz me - but it isn't worth the drive up at this time of year. TRUST ME!!! Brrrrrr!

[Bec]

First off -- big hug ...

I've been there -- debugging the house -- hurts like hell. But at the time, it was what I felt was necessary. Chances are Don, the DO know, but are of the "don't ask, don't tell" mentality. I know your pain of doing something really great, and can't share that with them... because they "don't want to know". What I will say though, is if they do ask ... tell them the truth. If they ask, they know, and opening the door... just speak softly, and don't overwhelm em with too much info too fast. Knowledge verified may still not mean acceptance.

I know that for me, now, I do regret not talking to my father about my life style before he passed on. But hindsight is always 20/20. It was a choice I made, and at the time, it was the right one for me.

Perhaps this would be less hurtful if they stayed at a motel? Or are you entertaining from the home base? Their first visit?

I agree here about community attitude- screw that- this is YOUR life, and you're the one sitting in the best spot to make those kinds of decissions. So long as you're willing to live with your choices ... then you made the right ones.

[Ounique]

Originally posted by Platinum Doug
Haha! Yeah, Don, tiz me - but it isn't worth the drive up at this time of year. TRUST ME!!! Brrrrrr!

Aaah, you're right. I'm from Pittsburgh and have been to Toronto many times. I know about the cold. Beautiful city, but I'll stick to LA. Hee hee.

[Ounique]

Originally posted by LdyLnWolf1
First off -- big hug ...

Perhaps this would be less hurtful if they stayed at a motel? Or are you entertaining from the home base? Their first visit?

Thanks LdyLnWolf1,

This is their first visit since I moved here 5 years ago. And they will be staying with me. That's the realy sucky part. Not only do I need to de-gay the place, but my mom loves to clean and get into things. I literally have to take stuff to a friend's house rather than just stick it in a closet. Ugh!

But I did promise myself a long time ago that if they ever asked, I would tell them. I won't lie about it. I figure that they know. My mom called once the morning after a sleep-over party I had, and when she asked what I was doing I said "laying in bed with a bunch of my friends". Well, her response to this was "I hope they are girls!!!". LOL! Yeah, they know but they don't want to know, and if I say it then it somehow becomes "real". So I won't volunteer it, but I refuse to lie about it. I figure they'll ask when they want to get it out into the open.

I just helped a friend of mine come out to himself and his friends, and I'm very active in helping people explore their lifestyles in the various groups I belong to here in LA. So I do my good for the community. I guess my biggest worry is about being a hypocrite. But given the circumstances, I don't think that I am. I would be if I hid myself from a lot of people, but I don't. This is just one of those things.

Wow, what a day! You guys are awesome!