Need Help with my tour page

[pierrefitch]

Hey

Guys how are you doing i need a little help would be appriciated

I need some help on fixing the text on this page
http://www.tenderdesign.com/clients/pierrefitchonline/

i'am bad with english writting please give me ideal on how to make the text better and more persanol like about me that i have being doing porn movies since i was 18 and now 24 year old i started doing my first movies with HMBoys and then RTBoys and so on and then become a big falcon porn star and still remain working with them i will be adding a guess book on my website and customers will be able to email me i will have a e-mail fan sorry.. LOL i probably have allot of enlgish mistakes

i'am a french guy remember Hehe

ok now for page tour 2 i had a friend help me out a bit he wrote this here is the link to look firsthttp://www.tenderdesign.com/clients/pierrefitchonline/pierrefitchonline2.jpg

he wrote

Under "updated weekly" perhaps:

"When I'm not shooting movies as a Falcon Exclusive, I'm working on this website. You'll find that I have a ton of movies and photos on the site. I add new video and photos weekly, plus you really can get up, close, and personal with me during my Webcam shows. I perform twice a week and have a schedule inside so you can get on and then get off with me".

Then maybe in under "see more" to the right of your knee:

"What are you waiting for? I put my time, energy and love into this website. By joining now you'll get to see sides of me that are intimate and personal. We'll be able to chat as I value communicating with my fans. I can't wait to meet you."

what do you think guys does in need tweaking
i know page tour 1 does how do you like my other pages here

Warning page
http://www.tenderdesign.com/clients/...e/warning.html

Join Page
http://www.tenderdesign.com/clients/...line/join.html

Please give me your feedback and help on how to improve thanx
my site is solo

Pierre Fitch

[pierrefitch]

Update on tour 2
http://www.tenderdesign.com/clients/...ine/tour2.html

[pierrefitch]

Ok i think i fix for tour 1 text

Welcome to my personal website. I'm Falcon Exclusive, Pierre Fitch. If you've seen my movies you know that I really "enjoy" my work. I enjoy it so much that I'm trying to make a career of it and have been learning a lot about the web. This is my personal web-page that I have created for my fans. I work on it every day and my members tell me they love getting to know the real me. I have lots of photos and videos of myself, plus I have worked out a deal with CitiBoyz to bring you videos of other young hot guys. Every week I answer emails from my members, talk to them in my weekly video webchats, and make special videos for them that I upload to the site based on their requests. What do you want to see me do? I'm up for almost anything...



what do you think

[basschick]

http://www.tenderdesign.com/clients/...ine/tour2.html
i'd put up less things under about me and make the font a size or two bigger plus have some space in there - it looks too crowded. i'd remove "body is medium build" since they can see your build very clearly on the page. i'd remove song i like too many since it doesn't tell anyone anything. even if you keep the font that size, at least this will leave a little space - one space under about me, one under tv show 24 hours.

[pierrefitch]

Will do basschick but does evreything else now look great and the text on all the tour's i hope so