Things I have Learned from Porn ...

[SpamBoards]

These must be true, because they are shown in every porn movies.

The thirty things I have learned about love by watching porn...

1 Women wear high heels to bed
2. Men are never impotent
3. When going down on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory
4. If a woman is caught masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle aged men
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob
8. Women always have orgasm when men do
9. A blowjob will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket
10. All women are noisy cummers
12. Those tits are real
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt
14. Men always groan "oh Yes" when they cum
15. If there is two of them, they high five each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted)
16. Double penetration makes women smile
17. Asian men don't exist
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't beat the shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth
19. there's a plot
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the butt
21. Nurses suck patient's cocks
22. Men always pull out
23. When your girlfriend busts you for getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking you both
24. Women never have headaches, or periods
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to suck it
26. Assholes are clean
27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all concerned
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
29. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head, and the other proudly on his hip
30. Dorky guys never have to beg.

Of course, there is one final lesson not included above. Why are porn movies always about people I will never meet, doing things I will never do?

"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "...holy shit...what a ride!"

[tonysparks]

I hope you don't mind if I adopt your last sentence as my email sig tagline...I couldn't have said it better myself!

Oh yeah, and few things I'VE learned from porn: <p>
1. When a guy unexpectedly gets caught jerking off in the locker room, his teammates become equally horny and gladly fuck him. <p>
2. Locker rooms make guys horny <p>
3. Bottoms NEVER complain that it's too big or that you're fucking them too long <p>
4. Condoms are self applying and are never too tight or too loose<p>
5. Tops would rather cum on a guy's face or back than inside him <p>
6. The pizza boy DOES deliver <p>
7. Straight guys will do just about anything--as long as it's going to be broadcast all over the internet. <p>
8. Swimming pools make guys horny <p>
9. If a straight guy comes home and accidentally catches his straight roommate sucking dick, he beats off and watches and is in no way horrified. <p>
10. Roommates make guys horny. <p>
11. If you are peeing in a public restroom and and there are 10 empty urinals, the one right next to you is the most attractive one to the straight guy that just walked in <p>
12. Public restrooms make guys horny <p>
13. If you are driving and stop to ask a handsome stranger for directions, it is also an invitation to jump in and give you head <p>
14. Driving makes guys horny <p>
15. The best way to give a good rim job is to stick your tongue way out and lick it like a popsicle. <p>
16. Popsicles make guys horny <p>
17. When topping doggy style, it's way more enjoyable if you lean back a bit, twist your torso ever so slightly and put your near hand on your hip <p>
18. Kissing is for fags <p>
19. Bottoms are clean 24/7 and always ready for the next hard cock <p>
20. Hard cocks are abundant and there is NO SUCH THING AS WHISKEY DICK<p>
21. Whiskey makes guys horny <p>
22. It never takes more time to cum than it did to fuck <p>
23. If you're on a ranch and you're horny, go into the barn. There's never any animal manure and there is always a hot ranch hand stroking his cock. <p>
24. Ranches make guys horny <p>
25. Most adult men have little or no body hair and pubic hair magically avoids growing too close to cocks. <p>
26. There is never any argument over who's turn it is to get up and get the cum towel <p>
27. If you are european, you never talk before or during sex. But you moan harmonically with your partner. <p>
28. Most bedrooms and living rooms are perfectly lit and all guys love to have the lights on during sex <p>
29. Tops can always find the hole <p>
30. If the bottom cums first, he doesn't mind getting fucked some more until the top is done <p>

[SPACE GLIDER]

I always wondered what "blowing" had to do with a blowjob.