Would you have sex with a guy who told you he was HIV Positive?

[chadknowslaw]

I once dated a guy who was HIV positive. There was very little limitation on our sex life at all and I learned a lot about the virus and the crap someone goes through to try lead an otherwise normal life.

He told me that when he was getting on with someone and it seemed like there was a connection, when he told them he was HIV positive it was like the music was playing and someone ripped the needle across the record and the music stopped. (we are both old enough to have played music with record players. Look it up on wikipedia kids)

There is so much disinformation about the virus for both those living with it and those of us who are negative but come into contact (sexually, socially, friends, family) with HIV positive guys. With the proper precautions, the virus does not prevent a satisfying sex life as long as all involved know the risks and the proven methods of protection.

The other thread can go on about that rather concerning new study, but I wanted to know what are the feelings of having sex with HIV positive guys? I have no problem with it but I am a condom user.

[TropixxxStudios]

I voted not sure...

I would like to think that I would be ok with it, but I have never been in that situation and frankly never gave it much thought until just now.

I would like to think that I would be mature enough to think with my head and not base my decision on fear, but I guess you never know until you are there.

A few years ago I would have said no way. But as I learn more about HIV and become more mature, I don't think I would react the same way today.

[chadknowslaw]

Every year I go to a gay and lesbian alcoholics anonymous roundup in South Beach. 1400 gay, sober people just enjoying life on the beach for a week. It is awesome....

There are seminars and small groups on different topics all day every day. Topics like Step 1, Step 2, Losing a Loved One in Recovery, Long Term Sobriety, Co Dependency, etc. I went to one titled "HIV Negative" which was supposed to be a discussion for HIV negative people talking about how they deal with being negative and having HIV positive friends, lovers, family members. There was one guy who didn't read it correctly -- he was HIV positive. His insights for the group were amazing. Even with the treatments available, his life had changed so dramatically when he found out he was positive. He was a good looking guy, perpetually single and had easily found partners before his diagnosis. He said people treated him entirely differently when the found out he "had the plague" as he put it. It is easy for us to label someone positive as _just_ positive, almost dehumanizing them, taking away the fact that those guys with the virus are still someone's friend, son, uncle, father, lover. They do not become inhuman just because they now have a viral load. They are not lepers who can infect anyone that comes into casual contact with them. They are still the same people, with hopes, dreams and fears but now feelings of isolation, loneliness, and contempt. They are constantly asked "How did you get it?" and often judged harshly for foolish mistakes.

HIV is a virus that can be controlled, its transmission can be avoided. The people living with it still need friendship, love and the intimate contact of other human beings. They do not need to be banished to an island. We each have the ability and right to make decisions who we associate with and how intimate we are willing to be with them. Unfounded fear of contracting HIV through contact with them hurts. I for one do not have that fear.

[basschick]

the problem is that condoms sometimes break.

i have a very close friend who was diagnosed as HIV positive in 1987. in that time, i've seen people afraid to drink from a water bottle if they think he might have drunk from it first, people afraid to touch things he might have sweated on, people who are afraid to touch him in so many ways. but he's had girlfriends since he was diagnosed - in fact, he's very rarely single for more than a few weeks.

[chadknowslaw]

Thank you for posting BassChick! It looks like we are starting to get a bigger sample in the anonymous poll and over half would not have sex with someone who is HIV positive, even with condoms. Sex is a personal thing so each person can decide who they want to have sex with and why. I was hoping for a little more discourse from those that said no. It is OK to speak up!

[Xstr8guy]

The results of this poll are disappointing to me. Maybe it's because of my age (43) and my location (Dallas). But if my partner and I (both HIV-) want to play with a guy our age, it's about 90% likely he's going to be HIV+. It's never even crossed my mind to discriminate against HIV+ guys.

[gaystoryman]

I just don't know. I mean been married for 11 years, so the issue hasn't come up, and in the past life before the wife, always used condoms, and tbh, never asked about those things, so I really just don't know. :morning:

[basschick]

chad, i wasn't comfortable posting as i felt pretty sure that someone would feel i was basically a bad person. discriminating against people with HIV - that doesn't sound very good. i'm sure that that's why there are so many more votes in the poll than comments.

so i posted and now i feel awful that i've been judged and i don't feel that it's fair. i have had condoms break during sex several times in my life and i don't want to have a condition that requires a lifetime of treatment. my friends with HIV go through all sorts of nausea, dizziness and other unpleasantness from their medication but because i'm not willing to risk that, i am found to be discriminatory.

i surely i wish i hadn't posted now, either

Thank you for posting BassChick! It looks like we are starting to get a bigger sample in the anonymous poll and over half would not have sex with someone who is HIV positive, even with condoms. Sex is a personal thing so each person can decide who they want to have sex with and why. I was hoping for a little more discourse from those that said no. It is OK to speak up!

[chadknowslaw]

It is OK to have and express your opinions. I encourage you to do so! By doing so, you may have made it easier for others to understand their own feelings, or help to continue discussion.

You have stated a rational explanation for your choice not to have sex with someone who is HIV positive. That does not make you a bad person and it does not make your opinion or position any more or less right -- it is just the way you feel, and in something so personal you must go with your own conscious.

My intention for this thread was to get people to think about the issue, to think about what happens to someone who is HIV positive in an intimate situation with a new (potential) partner and for all of us to gain a little bit more understanding of the virus and get a glimpse of the human side of it.

I appreciate your honesty and openness!

[chadknowslaw]

Reading the posts over again, I think it is important to point out that choosing not to have sex with someone who is HIV positive is a choice that everyone must be able to make, and it is a choice that should be done knowingly and voluntarily, as with all sexual encounters.

It can be uncomfortable and embarrassing if two people are into each other then one says "I am HIV positive" and the other then has to make a choice as to how far they want to go. I think it is the responsibility of the person who is HIV positive to disclose that, just as I think the back-up is that everyone should ask with a new partner.
If one discloses that he is positive and you choose not to continue becoming more intimate, I would hope it is done politely, not "get away from me you damn dirty ape!" That person's feelings are important too, but those living with HIV also need to understand the apprehensions of HIV negative people in sexual encounters. HIV negative people should be understanding of the feelings of those with HIV, but those with HIV also need to understand the feelings of those of us that are negative.

Sex is so intimate that setting boundaries, whether they be rational or irrational, is always acceptable. While it is wrong to discriminate against someone in housing or employment for their race, religion or HIV status, I see nothing wrong if someone makes the personal choice only to have sex with HIV negative, thin, hispanic, jewish men between 30 and 35 years old who have a college degree, no substance abuse, no criminal history and know how to dance the macarena. Nobody else can tell me who I should have sex with, and I can set any boundaries or classifications I want (as long as they are over 18 and willing!). Nobody should ever feel ashamed to express their sexual preferences.

[basschick]

i feel that deciding not to have sex with someone for reasons other than that they do not turn you on or health (which could include pregnancy, STDs, or other) isn't actually a question of sexual preferences.

While it is wrong to discriminate against someone in housing or employment for their race, religion or HIV status, I see nothing wrong if someone makes the personal choice only to have sex with HIV negative, thin, hispanic, jewish men between 30 and 35 years old who have a college degree, no substance abuse, no criminal history and know how to dance the macarena. Nobody else can tell me who I should have sex with, and I can set any boundaries or classifications I want (as long as they are over 18 and willing!). Nobody should ever feel ashamed to express their sexual preferences.

[hdkbill]

Basschick,

You should not feel bad about the way you answered and no one on here should judge you for how you feel. Feeling are just that....feelings. They really aren't something that we can control, they are just there.

You are absolutely correct that condoms can break. I've had it happen many times and no one can blame you for not wanting to acquire HIV and the associated problems that come with that diagnosis. Who in their right mind would want that?

I've been living with HIV for nearly 10 years now and except for the past year I've been partnered during that time. I've also lived in Palm Springs most of that time and the rate of HIV+ guys there is much higher than in most cities. I really can't think of a time that I've ever been turned down because of my status and, I suppose, if I were, my "feelings" would be hurt. But then, they are feelings and just feelings and not something I really have a lot of control over.

I think all of us are free to make our own decisons whether or not we choose to have sex with someone who is positive. If we choose not to, well, we all have that right and we should not have to justify why we choose not to no should we be judged for making that decision.

Bill

[deanb]

I don't honestly know how to answer this, what a deep question that is very personal, but I will go for it.

There are 2 perspectives here. First, I have messed around with someone with HIV in the past, however, it involved no oral or anal sex, more of just jerking off and kissing. Could I have went further, I don't know. The reason being, because I knew he was HIV positive.

That being said, have I had sex in the past with someone who was HIV positive and didn't know? Probably? As probably have most guys who are sexually active. You never know what someone says, and the fact is, you cannot really go on what they say.

A huge problem (YES problem) in todays gay circles, is that a lot of people just don't get tested. I have a friend who is 25 and who is VERY sexually active, he has never been tested in his life. He isn't the only one here, there is something with my generation of gay people, who have just come out in the last few years (5 or so) who have never seen the wrath of HIV, they haven't had friends die, and more than that, most of the time, they never "know" someone with HIV.

That problem, and the lack of them getting tested, has lead to a huge rise in HIV in young people across this nation. Just in my short time out of the closet (4 years) I have encountered 2 people under the age of 21 with HIV, and I have seen 3 of my close friends when I first came out become infected. Sadly though, my peers are still blind to it, they don't see it, and they refuse to believe that they themselves could become infected.

</rant> (I kinda went on there, but I hope it makes some sense)

PS, to answer your question, I didn't answer the Poll, none of them fit me. I would say maybe, depending on the situation. Like if my bf came up positive, I wouldn't leave, and I would continue having sex with him. I would mess around with guys with HIV, but i can't say I would have sex. The poll is so black and white, yes and no.

[Lazer]

I would and have had sex with people I knew were HIV+, with condoms. Though I don't know that I could enter a long-term physical relationship with someone who I knew to be pos.....

On the other hand, if my current partner acquired it via some tryst, I would stay with him.

[Matt 26z]

I said no, and I must wonder how many of those who voted yes are already HIV+, or maybe they are total tops. But a - bottom willing to take it from a + top? Anyone answer yes with that in mind?

To me anyone who is - that knowingly has sex with a + is just asking for trouble. I don't care if condoms are being used, it will break eventually. Plus there have been cases of it being passed orally, so this "saliva kills HIV" argument that you hear sometimes is just stupid.

While I am sure that guys with HIV feel ostracized in a lot of situations, I am not willing to put their hurt feelings ahead of my own body.