Can you be gay and not....

Derek · 10-21-2004, 09:51 AM

engage in same sex intercourse?

Is this possible?

**MiamiB** · 10-21-2004, 10:38 AM

Lots of gay men are married and living straight lives...it has always been that way.

Xstr8guy · 10-21-2004, 10:40 AM

Originally posted by Derek
engage in same sex intercourse?

Is this possible?

Yes, it's called being celibate.

Dzinerbear · 10-21-2004, 10:59 AM

You guys are misunderstanding his question.

Do do not have to fuck guys up the ass or get fucked up the ass to be gay.

Lots of gay guys don't enjoy fucking, if guys turn you on, you're gay. If women turn you on, too, you're probably bi.

There are so many colours of the rainbow, can you imagine if we starting putting sexual activity criteria on the gay application?

And just to put this into perspective, would you ever ask a straight man: Do you have to like performing cunnilingus in order to be straight or is fucking a woman enough?

Cheers
Dzinerbear

**chadknowslaw** · 10-21-2004, 11:59 AM

Being gay is not about the actions taken--one is gay because of feeling attracted to the same sex. Being gay or straight isn't a choice--engaging in sex [gay or straight] is a choice--so it is easy to be gay and be celibate. Wait, hmm....celibate isn't easy ;-) I meant to say you CAN be gay and not have sex~~ I just won't recommend it....

Regardless of orientation , I think everyone should enjoy regular recreational sexual contact with a willing adult of their choosing!

**LavenderLounge** · 10-21-2004, 01:09 PM

The most popular sex club in SF is Blow Buddies. It evades the "no bath house" law because it only allows oral sex.

Since there is no intercourse, I guess those guys are all straight, right?

Or, according to Bill Clinton, if it's oral, they're not having sex at all.

Rainbo1956 · 10-21-2004, 02:03 PM

Has anyone ever heard of someone being "asexual" - "a sexual"?

It IS real.

There are people that have no sex drive. Prefer to not engage in sex with either male or female. (I suppose there could be many reasons why)

Having said that, it IS possible to prefer one sex or the other to be a companion with...i.e. someone can be female and look very lesbian (stereo typed) and not want to have sex with anyone, but prefer to surround them self with women only. Same can be said of men.

But, does that make them lesbian or gay?

When I asked a 55 year old female friend of mine (would have swore she was a lesbian) if she was a lesbian...she simply said no and went on to tell me she was still a virgin...WOW, was all I could say...

She said she prefers the company of women but has never lived with, touched sexually or wanted to be with a woman. She didn't want to be with a man either...yet she has both as close fiends...

One could say that it's strange...but, wouldn't that be a judgment?
I mean, is it any stranger than someone who's into collecting porn, BD, hairy men, muscle men, bull dykes, drag queens only or whatever?

I dunno...what's your thoughts?

desslock · 10-21-2004, 02:13 PM

Derek

You are pretty much asking the million dollar question.

Is homosexuality defined by action?

or is homosexuality defined by identity?

If it really is just action - then our claim for equal rights is pretty weak. That's why people who oppose gay marriage incorrectly argue that someone's "sex life" should not dictate an equal rights protection.

The gay rights claim is based on sexuality as identity. This means that a 78 year old post menopausal lady can be a lesbian, despite that she is not engaging in sexual activity. That's why we argue for for equal protections, because even if you aren't having sex, you are still gay.

Steve

MsclCoach · 10-21-2004, 02:40 PM

Fish or steak.
It all taste good!:goof:

NikKay · 10-21-2004, 03:44 PM

Steve:

That is SUCH an excellent point!

Now where does that fit us bisexual folk?

**Matt 26z** · 10-21-2004, 03:52 PM

Only two things are for certain. It's not a choice, and your position on the gay / straight scale can change over the course of your life.

I do not believe people are born gay. I think it's linked to experiences in life. So it stands to reason that those sexuality-changing experiences don't necessarily begin or end at any specific age, and that your sexuality may be constantly changing even if it's just 1 or 2 percentage points either way over a ten year period. For some people though, it may be a much greater number.

This is why supposedly gay men can be in the closet and married to a woman for 15 years. I don't believe they were gay at the start, at least not enough to be officially considered gay. They may have been bi at 90% straight / 10% gay, and over time those numbers changed enough to get them questioning more and more.

NikKay · 10-21-2004, 04:11 PM

If you believe someone can be 90% straight and 10% gay, could they not be 100% gay just as easily? I know many gay men who have been attracted to the same sex since adolesence and have NEVER been with or attracted to a woman.

I also know gay people who were married to someone of the same sex, never enjoyed the sex act with that person, but could not face that they were gay for religious reasons, family reasons, etc. until later years. To those who think people are not capable of having sex with someone they are not sexually attracted to, what do you think goes on in many marriages? Close your eyes and wait for it to be over with.

Of course people aren't born being gay OR straight (not in any way we would recognize without genetic testing anyway). It's not until adolesence that we develop any kind of emotional attachment or attraction in a way that would define us as gay or straight. I have been, since adolesence, utterly and completely bisexual... which makes me the outsider to both groups (gay and straight). Is bisexuality my lifestyle choice? Will my 60/40 change over time to something more "acceptible", and if so, why? If it changes because I am tired of being attacked from both sides or because its not an acceptible way to live to my family or the neighborhood I live in... have my percentages really changed? Or have I just supressed something that is unequivocally ME?

Xstr8guy · 10-21-2004, 05:12 PM

Originally posted by Matt 26z
Only two things are for certain. It's not a choice, and your position on the gay / straight scale can change over the course of your life.

I do not believe people are born gay. I think it's linked to experiences in life. So it stands to reason that those sexuality-changing experiences don't necessarily begin or end at any specific age, and that your sexuality may be constantly changing even if it's just 1 or 2 percentage points either way over a ten year period. For some people though, it may be a much greater number.

This is why supposedly gay men can be in the closet and married to a woman for 15 years. I don't believe they were gay at the start, at least not enough to be officially considered gay. They may have been bi at 90% straight / 10% gay, and over time those numbers changed enough to get them questioning more and more.

While you bring up some good points... I couldn't disagree with you more!

I'm 40... and for the first 34 years of my life, I lived as a straight man. I dated only women and got married... and even though I appeared to be straight, I never truly was.

I have always been gay, I was just in such deep denial, I forced myself into a straight life and forbid myself from even fantasizing about men.

Eventually, I couldn't deny my homosexuality anymore. I started venturing into chat rooms and met dozens of other men that were married but gay-curious. That's when I realized that there were thousands of men just like me... all living a lie.

Admitting my homosexuality to myself was even harder then telling my friends and family. But I've never been happier than I am right now.

My only regret... I didn't do it sooner!

**jIgG** · 10-21-2004, 05:41 PM

with me it was the opposite
i was ok being gay, i just didnt know how my parents would react to it, thankfully they're as open minded as I thought

DigitalJay · 10-21-2004, 05:52 PM

Originally posted by LavenderLounge
The most popular sex club in SF is Blow Buddies. It evades the "no bath house" law because it only allows oral sex.

Since there is no intercourse, I guess those guys are all straight, right?

Or, according to Bill Clinton, if it's oral, they're not having sex at all.

It still spreads disease, is ignorant, and self-destructive. I would more likely call it a "garbage disposal unit" than a bath house.