Can str8 and gay men really be only friends?

**Ben** · 05-13-2005, 05:36 PM

I've known one young (19 yo) straight dude for about a year and a half. We met thru the internet and found several common things that interest us. He was unaware of me being gay until I decided to hint that fact in some way, so he asked me if I was and I said yes.

Ever since it's been as if I am in the interrogation room, constantly under a barrage of questions that boil down to one - will I ever try to shag him. That would be so terrible that he'd be forced to beat the hell out of me. I've been telling him the answer to the question is a resounding no, because he's straight and I respect this fact, and furthermore once I've known a male person for some time as a friend, be he str8 or gay, he becomes fixated in my mind as a friend only, and any sexual feelings that might have existed usually fade away rapidly.

He seemed to be kind of satisfied with that until recently when he asked me if I would have sex with him if he were really, truly, gay or very curious. With some reluctance I said yes but not in the sense of being obsessed with the idea. I understood that question rather like "Do you find me attractive enough to have sex with me'.

Well, that seems to have sealed off our friendship (if it was friendship at all). He says he can't stand the situation where I could even think for a minute to be aroused by him. If we hang out and my dick goes up while thinking of him, then we don't have a real friendship. It doesn't matter I wouldn't act on that thought and wouldn't try to make a pass on him pshysically. Also the thought that I might have or might be jerking off thinking about him is disgusting.

He thinks that the only way for a straight guy to be friends with a gay guy is if the gay guy is madly in love with another gay guy, so that the str8 guy is safe then. Oh, by the way, he also thinks he's not homophobic at all :shifty:

It's not really important for the general situation, but maybe it's ok for me to emphasize that physically he's kinda cute but nothing extraordinary, and certainly not my ideal type (I'm into masculine 30 y/o butch men, not twinks), and has never been an object of my wet dreams.

So there you have it. A gay guy wants a non-sexual friendly relationship with a str8 guy, but finds it impossible to explain to him that he's not actively thinking about the possiblitity of a gay adventure with him. What is he to do?

I'd also very much like to hear from you 100% straight webmasters - would you consider it a compliment or a nasty, disgusting threat if a gay guy told you he finds you moderately (or very) attractive but will not pursue his instincts because you had made it clear you're straight? Would it make you queasy whether your gay friend occasionally jerks off thinking about you (providing you're sure he will never ask you to blow you)? Or would you consider that also as a compliment?

Can a straight and a gay man really be only friends?

**longboardjim** · 05-13-2005, 05:54 PM

gay here! , and yes! , straight and gay can be friends! , and just because the other is "extremly-f**kable" doesn't mean you have to have sex with them , it just means their "attractive!"
i find that this particular question needs to always be answered with "no! , i don't want to sleep with you , were just friends!" , because any other answer leads to more questions and the "friendship" quickly "disolves"
if you find that he is pressuring you! , obviously he has some feelings about this! , but unless you know for sure , if you value his friendship don't do it! , just my spin on it!

sincerely ~ ..."if i say yes!"... - 5 star

**dirtygeek** · 05-13-2005, 05:54 PM

Yes, you can be only friends. I have a ton of friends that are str8 guys and we’re strictly friends. We hang out, sleep in bed together, go out, etc... The fact that I am gay was never an issue.

JustMe · 05-13-2005, 06:04 PM

Greetings:

You forgot one of the most obvious choices:

"Yes, as long as the straight guy is really ugly and has a small dick".

:goof:

Patrick · 05-13-2005, 06:04 PM

Of course you can be friends. Sounds like this 19 year old is immature and needs to grow up and check his ego.

Xstr8guy · 05-13-2005, 06:29 PM

Originally Posted by JustMe

Greetings:

You forgot one of the most obvious choices:

"Yes, as long as the straight guy is really ugly and has a small dick".

:goof:

DAMN! You beat me to it!

My best friends are straight but even though they are relatively attractive, they just aren't my type. They are like brothers to me because we all grew up together. But one of them has a really big dick

I think the real question is; can gay men be friends with other gay men? Hmmm....

**basschick** · 05-13-2005, 06:30 PM

it depends on your definition of friendship - and that varies from person to person.

many straight guys - and women - feel that you are not really friends with someone if you would fuck them, given the chance and no emotional ties on either end. a lot of straight guys are never really friends with women for this reason - it would be possible to fuck them in the right circumstances. and in a way, i can see it.

after all, it's not a non-sexual friendship if sex is part of it on one person's end. if someone looks at a person and feels horny, it's sexual - whether it's acted on or not. and if non-sexual is part of the definition of friendship for a person, the answer here might be no - unless he is REALLY not your style.

AusCoding Allan · 05-13-2005, 06:48 PM

OK so here goes....

I'm a straight guy working in gay adult - hmmm interesting combo you may say.

I have had many guys make passes at me without them even realising that I work in adult and as far as I'm concerned it is a compliment.

The fact that a guy thinks I'm hot enough to warrant a come-on is fantastic - but I'm just not interested.

I have many guys that are gay that I'm friends with - they are nice people and have never made any moves on me and for them to exercise such self restraint (I know it's hard hehehe) is fantastic.

Cheers,

Allan

Mamakity · 05-13-2005, 07:29 PM

My husband Donnie has a couple friends that are gay and it's never been an issue. Sure, they think he's HOT. And he is but that doesn't mean they are going to jump his bones or bone, hehehe.

Donnie is 100% secure with his identity and it sounds to me that your friend is not. There is probably some underlying issue there but I won't speculate.

You must feel a little bad that you were being honest with this kid and he totally pulled away from you and for that I'm sorry. But your better off without such a headcase.

**Squirt** · 05-13-2005, 08:24 PM

I feel for you having to go through this... if we switch perspectives to a straight man befrending a 17 1/2 year old lesbian he had stuff in common with.. and remaining friends until she was 19, at which point she felt uncomfortable with the straight man being friends with her.. maybe we can see things more clearly.

Maybe she is uncomfortable with her sexuality and doesn't trust herself, or him. Maybe she thinks he has alterior motives.

Sorry you had to go through this.. it really sucks :notsure:

**DonMike** · 05-13-2005, 08:29 PM

Ben, I know it is hard to pass up what could have been a good friendship, but Mamakitty is right. You don't need the headache. The guy's obviously got baggage and a whole bunch of issues. The only thing you can do is be nice to him and give him his space. He probably thinks you are a certain way because you are gay and if you get defensive about this, you will just be prepetuating whatever negative stereotype is making him so defensive. The best thing you can do is say, "I'm sorry you feel this way. You will pass up the chance to make a lot of good friends in your life by feeling this way. It was nice knowing you." If he really thinks about your friendship and feels he does not want to lose it then he will come back. If not, then you didn't really lose anything real.

I think at this point he wants you to fight with him so he can feel justified in his actions. He's just letting his fear dictate his choices. He will learn a much more valuable lesson if you just say goodbye. It will make him deal with his feelings rather than being able to blame them on you.

**basschick** · 05-13-2005, 08:47 PM

squirt - most of the lesbians i know who befriended str8 men usually got hit on eventually, sometimes quite forcefully.

Mamakity · 05-13-2005, 09:28 PM

Originally Posted by basschick

squirt - most of the lesbians i know who befriended str8 men usually got hit on eventually, sometimes quite forcefully.

Damn it, I went about high school all wrong.

Me saying I was lesbian would have probably worked since the kids I hung with were either gay/lesbian or weird. Had I only known I might have had some dates. Oh well, better luck next life.

**basschick** · 05-13-2005, 10:09 PM

i've known several men who pretend to be gay to get girls, but the guys who want to "turn" lesbians are usually only talking sex, not dates.

Originally Posted by Mamakity

Damn it, I went about high school all wrong.

Me saying I was lesbian would have probably worked since the kids I hung with were either gay/lesbian or weird. Had I only known I might have had some dates. Oh well, better luck next life.