Basschick is right on top of what this boils down to... these people have baggage and issues that you cannot "fix". Bottom line here is that your boyfriend is abusive and controlling -- his issues and baggage, not yours. His stem from being an adult child of an alcoholic and rape issues.

His own lack of self esteem motivates his need to abuse you with lies and running around, it's a fucked up "let's see how much of my shit he'll take and see if he REALLY does love me" ... which is crap, and deep down they know it. Bottom line on that is his own need for creating chaos, because chaos is familiar and he knows how to behave in a chaotic environment. If things get to where they are going good, he'll do just about anything to screw it up. Good stuff scares the shit out of him. Without counseling and the time to learn to love himself, he isn't going to be able to love you.

Your place is to look at WHY you feel you need to stay around this kind of chaos. To me it says you also have a lack of self esteem and on some level, you feel you deserve to be treated like shit. The "if I love him enough, all will be well" is a major lie that you will continue to repeat to yourself while he continues to abuse you. He needs counseling, without it, your relationship has a snowball's chance in a hot hell of making it much longer.

I understand 100% about being a Caretaker ... and you seem to fit the profile. I suffered through a 7 year relationship like the one you're in now. I was cheated on, lied to, abused mentally above and beyond what anyone who really loves you should put someone through. But 7 years was MY FAULT for being afraid to let go and move on!

I had to come to grips with myself, and my needs. I had to get to that place that said, "You'll make it on your own ... you don't need this chaos in your life. You deserve better." And it was scary shit. But once I made the decision to make changes and rely on myself my whole world changed.

Until you're willing to walk away from all of this drama and get to that place where you will allow yourself a true and loving partnership with someone who isn't loaded down with all kinds of baggage ...you aren't going to enjoy any real happiness. This drama will just keep going on and on, with a few variances ... the only constant will be your pain.

I wish you peace ... with all my heart ...