Gay homophopia?

[DonMike]

Madame, we definitely have more than 2 genders in the human race.

I would take this as a two part question, Rainbo. First, if your friend was married and you met a straight guy that you think she would really fall for, would you want to introduce them? Wouldn't that just cause undue stress on your friend making her rethink her marriage to the guy she's with? I think that is the real issue here.

If she is gay, then it's something she needs to figure out for herself, I would think. It's like the ruby slippers in the Wizard of Oz, you carry them around with you but they are of no use until you understand what they are all about. Nobody can tell you how to use them.

Just a few thoughts.

[Rainbo1956]

Madame, we definitely have more than 2 genders in the human race.

I would take this as a two part question, Rainbo. First, if your friend was married and you met a straight guy that you think she would really fall for, would you want to introduce them? Wouldn't that just cause undue stress on your friend making her rethink her marriage to the guy she's with? I think that is the real issue here.

If she is gay, then it's something she needs to figure out for herself, I would think. It's like the ruby slippers in the Wizard of Oz, you carry them around with you but they are of no use until you understand what they are all about. Nobody can tell you how to use them.

Just a few thoughts.

She and I are pretty close. She's told me that's she's very unhappy in her marrige...she's trying to sort out everything and is aready re-thinking her marriage.

I agree that if she is really a lesbian, that she has to figure that out herself.
But, if she doesn't even own ruby slippers...how can she figure out how to use them? You can look at men or woman and wonder, fantasize, deam about it or desire the life. But, if you don't know a soul that can intruduce you to this new world, what else can you do? Hit on someone you see in a shopping center?

I'm just saying, it wasn't untill a friend of mine that introduced me to my first gay lover, that I actually knew I was gay, and it was ok to be gay. I had never met anyone that was gay...though I knew since 12 years old, that I was differant, had crushes on boys in school. I never ever told anyone. Never thought I could tell anyone. I thought I could or should only date women. I had no tools to draw from. I had no ruby slippers, so to speak.
And, even if I had been married with children, I still would have had to come out...I would have had to been true to me.

But anyway, it happened yesterday. I had said nothing to her about what my friend and I talked about the other night.
She and I were sitting having brunch at her house when she asked me if I would take her out dancing this coming weekend. I said "sure hun"..."where do you want to go"? She said she didn't want to go to a straight club, and that she'd like me to take her to one of mine (I said "I don't own club...")

Well, she asked if I could take her dancing to a gay club...I said "why"? All she did was grin at me and said because she wants to go dancing and NOT be hit on by any guys....then she said, "if ya know what I mean"!

Not knowing "exactally" what she meant. I asked if she wanted to go to a mostly men's place or did she want it to be a mix or what? She said "a mix".
I said "ya know, no one would hit on you since you'd be with me...duh". She just said back to me...."I'm just sick of f**king men"! I laughed and said, "but, I'm a man". Smacking me on the arm she says..."you know what I mean"

So in explaining this new deal to my friend, who I feel is homophobic...again his responce was that I am trying to break her marriage up and again asked why I would do that.

Now, if she were happy in her marriage and she asked me to take her out dancing I still would. And, she'd still meet lesbians, cause when she comes over, my sisters and my friends are here. So, I might still introduce her to a tall dark and handsom lesbian. What she does with all of it is up to her.
I will continue to support her in any decisions she makes (as long as they are healthy ones)

My friend acts like it's a crime to support someone that's married, that may (or my not) want to come out. Like it's a worse sin to come out if you're married. And, that a person should stay in it even though they're very, very unhappy.

He just doesn't understand where I am coming from as far as calling him homophobic. I say he is because it really seems to me that he thinks that her staying with a man/her husband, would be better for her then to find out she's a lesbian. He doesn't think I should take her to a gay club....I say why? He said it again...he thinks that I'll break up their marriage and their home...sheesh, I thanked him for ALL that power he thinks I have. And, again I asked him why he thinks it'd be so bad for her to find out she's gay? And, why would it be a bad thing if I introduced her to a single lesbian. She's the one who's going to make her own decisions and live her life.
He just says that she should stay in her marriage and I should stay out of it...I don't get it, I'm not "in" her marriage.

I believe that it's very ok to find yourself. To find out what you really want and to go for it in the healthiest way you can...and still take care of yourself.

I don't understand why some people think it's such a bad thing to be gay and needing to come out, be true to themselves finally ("people" being gay themselves)

Yes, coming out can be a very hard thing and can hurt some people that you love. But, in the end everyone ends up better off. If someone is living a lie and is unhappy....then everyone around them is miserable too.

Sorry this was so long. But, I find it a very interesting topic. I just like to be clear about my intentions. Also, I like feeback. So I can maybe have a better understanding of my male friends feelings and thoughts

[DonMike]

Rainbo1956, I think it's an excellent topic. I think a big issue here is that she is not happy in her marriage in the first place. And if the basis of this stems in the fact that she has lesbian desires, well maybe she needs to do her exploring, not saying she should sleep around or anything, but go out into the community and see what is out there. I think introducing her to your friend in order for her to get to know other lesbians is admirable. It's not like you're trying to set her up with a possible partner knowing she's married. But if you expose her to gay culture and it helps her realize she's gay, you're not breaking up a marriage because that marriage is not that stable to begin with.

Plus, she'll figure it out sooner or later. I guess I speak from my own experiences when I made the ruby slipper comment. I was in the process of coming out when a very militiant lesbian couple I was friends with tried to push me head first into the culture, making me feel like I had to give up everything I was and totally become something different and become totally gay. It freaked me out so much that I spend four more years in the closet. I was terrified of changing who I was and putting everything I had been in the past. The irony is that once I came out and was comfortable with myself and with being gay, I did change. Almost completely. But it needed to be on my own terms. So, I guess my biggest advise would be to take the girl to OZ and let her roam. She'll find out a use for those ruby slippers in no time.