HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
(new 2003 version)
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY
3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB -She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED
6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS -She is PECTORALLY
12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The
teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal
its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah
was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated
that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID
GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY
10. He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet
propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever
seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say
about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't
you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the
night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered.
Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some
boots that fit."
Why is it so difficult to solve a redneck murder?
A) The DNA is all the same.
B) No dental records.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to
her class. She came to the part of the story where the first
pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read, "And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may
I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you
think the man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly,
"I think the man would have said: 'Well, fuck me. A talking
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only
willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After
several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take
out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has
lived his entire life in the Australian outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes
into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she
returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in
the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the
room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything
like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked
the children what their fathers did for a living. All the
typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman,
etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the
teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off
all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the
offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy
and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set
the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little
David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your
"No," said David, "He plays for the Chicago Bears, but I was
too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very
close to her, inhales a big breath of air through his nose and
tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she
can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor
in Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she explains
what her co-worker does and states that she wants to file a
sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources
supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's
sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget
Sitting in a small restaurant, a client asked the proprietor
for the menu. "We don't need a menu here," said the
proprietor, "We can serve anytrhing you ask for."
"What, anything?" asked the client.
"Yes, anything at all." was the reply.
"In that case, I would like some camel's tail soup."
"Very well, sir, but it will take a little while, and you will
have to wait a while for it."
"That's OK," said the client. He sat waiting for an hour or
so, then a waiter brought a tureen of fragrant soup. He ate
the lot, and was thoroughly delighted. He called for the
proprietor. "I really enjoyed that," he said, "But surely it
was not really camel's tail soup."
Rejoined the proprietor, "It certainly was. Tell you what, come
The client was led to the back of the restaurant, where a
Porsche was parked, and was motioned into it. They drove
about a hundred miles into the countryside, to an enormous
farm. There the client was amazed to see every possible kind
of exotic plant, animal and bird. The restaurant proprietor
pointed to a compound in which there were two camels, of which
one had only a stump of a tail, bandaged, with a trace of blood.
"That's where your soup came from," he announced.
The client was absolutely flummoxed. "That is remarkable,"
he gasped, "but there must sometimes be demands you can't
"No," replied the proprietor, "we have never been caught out...
Wait, no, we were once... when a customer asked for crocodile
balls on toast. We were clean out of bread."
Grandma & grandpa laying in bed one night, when grandma says
to grandpa, "Hey, grandpa now that your retired, is there
anything that you always wanted but never got?"
"Yeh, there is", said grandpa.
"What is it?" asked grandma. "Maybe I can get it for you."
"Well, grandma, I always wanted a blow-job," said grandpa.
"A blow-job is what you want, then a blow-job is what you'll
get. But I don't know how to give you one," said grandma.
Grandpa says, "Well I've often heard the boys at the plant
before I retired, say that in order to get it right, their
wives practiced on Ketchup bottles."
Grandma says, "O.K. I'll practice all day tomorrow and give
you a blow-job when we go to bed."
The following night grandpa was waiting patiently with a super
hard-on. Grandma approached grandpa, grabbed his penis with
her left hand and began punching the top of grandpa's penis
with her right hand.
An extraordinarily handsome man
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce
beautiful children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect
woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three
stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath
away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for
permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get
married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and
select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer
asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you
can hardly notice... pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other
girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that
you can hardly tell... cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see
if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect,
just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the
nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most
pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father in-law
asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty
of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not
that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."
INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.
3. Jesus was not White.
4. Skinny does not equal sexy.
5. A 5 year-old child is too big for a stroller.
6. N'Sync will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
7. Thomas Jefferson had Black children.
8. An occasional ass whooping helps a child stay in line.
9. Kissing your pet is NOT cute.
10. Rap music is here to stay.
10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS WHITE PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE
1. Tupac is dead
2. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
3. Having a ring on every finger is too much.
4. O.J. did it!
5. Teeth should not be decorated.
6. Breaks are usually only 15 minutes.
7. Jesse Jackson will never be President (or Al Sharpton for
8. RED is not a Kool-Aid flavor (it's a color).
9. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than
10. Your Pastor doesn't know everything.
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death
notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of
Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend
of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very
well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but
I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as
a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."
A man walks into a bar and sits down to a man that is obviously
intoxicated. He smells a foul odor and asks the drunk, "Did
you shit your pants?"
The drunk said, "Yup."
The man then asked the drunk, "Why don't you go to the
To which the drunk replied, "Cause I ain't done yet!"