OT Would you throw this guy out?

Off topic i know but thought id ask you advice as you all seem so clever...

My boyfy and i allowed his nephew, whos 18, to rent a room from us. We knew he didnt have a job and was going to claim benefits for him until he found work, which he said hed do quickly (the government would have paid his rent). His claim got refused allthough we dont really know why, he never made an effort to find out. Since hes moved in hes made little effort to find a job, maybe applied for a couple of jobs but thats it.

He decided to buy food seperatly, but then he comes in with stuff that we know he hasnt got, like burgers he didnt buy, ketchup, etc. just small stuff but it pisses me off that he doesnt ask. My boyfriend is so pissed at him that he put a padlock on the food cupboard! (i suggested peeing in the ketchup as he uses that almost every day).

Now ive told him he has to either find work or pay the full rent, but hes walking road the house all pissed off with it. Since that he has applied for a few jobs. I feel shit because hes sort of family so its hard to kick him out. We dont want to start a fight within the family.

What do you think?

I should point out i do like the guy, he just needs to get a job and stop nicking our food!

Sounds like you're not wanting to be confrontational on a guy that's going to abuse your hospitality unless you setup some rules and boundaries and not back down on them.

Time to sit down with your b/f and discuss what time frame you're giving the freeloader to do what he said he'd do or tuff love the guy out onto the street. Then call a house meeting, outline what you will and won't do, and let him know you're both feeling abused by his actions - or lack of action in this case. He's responsible for what happens next ... not you or your b/f.

I don't know what his job skills are, but I can't think of any city that doesn't have a job opening at Mcdonalds ...

Dude this kid is 18

He's having a hard time

Stop being the uptight relatives and relax a bit

Do you want to go down in his history as being difficult when he's trying to find his way?

give the kid some space. Let him find his pace. He's with you for a reason, because his close relatives have shut him out. Be patient and work with him. Don't be so quick to shut him out like others have.

Be the people who make a difference in his life instead of the people who did the same thing everyone else did.

If you really want to help him then HELP HIM. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Stop finding reasons to push him out and start finding reasons to keep him in.

http://www.coinfacts.com/two_cents/1..._cents_rev.jpg

why is he living with you, and not his parents?

or is this his attempt to leave the nest?

Also, did he have similar problems (throws a hissyfit everytime he does not get his way) with his folks?

I was in the same situation with my best friend. When I realized that he wasn't going to find a job, I started giving him tasks to do to help me around the house and in my job. Now he is my P/A. He runs my errands, does the dishes, keeps the house clean and cooks. I pay his portion of the rent, bills and keep him fed. It wasn't a bad trade-off.

I am not suggesting that you do the same thing, but maybe find some sort of middle ground or trade-off until he is able to find a job. That way you are compensated for his "mooching" and he feels as though he is contributing to the household.

Rocky

All interesting points and ideas. Im genuinley open to advice here so any more comments will be welcome.

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Originally Posted by marcjacob

All interesting points and ideas. Im genuinley open to advice here so any more comments will be welcome.

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Are you in the UK?

If so, your nephew can appeal the decision.

My guess as to why his benefits were refused is that he probably mentioned he was living with relatives and, unfortunately, thats a big mistake.

What you might want to do is write up some kind of 'rental agreement' saying he has to pay you X amount each 'month' in rent and have him take that to the JSA, make sure he knows to tell them his benefits need backpaying and he should, in theory at least, hae no problems getting any JSA benefits.

Regards,

Lee

He's 18 right. He doesn't have a job correct. He needs to make some money or pull his weight somehow. I say do some photo shoots and either use or sell the content.

Just my .02 cents.

Lee

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Originally Posted by MiamiB

He's 18 right. He doesn't have a job correct. He needs to make some money or pull his weight somehow. I say do some photo shoots and either use or sell the content.

Just my .02 cents.

Lee

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The guy is family. I would say that is crossing the line, just a tad...

R.

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Originally Posted by EonFilms_Rocky

The guy is family. I would say that is crossing the line, just a tad...
R.

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... and CREEEEE_PEEEEEE!

Excuse me, nephew, niece, son, daughter, mother, father, sister or brother, but you could you please spread those cheeks, a little further, and look at me like you are starving for my..

Squirt, i'm with you on this.

18? he is barely legally old enough to find his own way, and for whatever reason, his folks aren't backing him. lots of people aren't earning a living at 18, and frankly very few 18 year olds i've known are all that reliable. a guy whose parents don't help at this age isn't going to have lots of life skills. and frankly a lot of kids that age just aren't capable of calling an authority that turned them down - which makes sense since most of us are VERY much taught to accept authority's decisions by school and our parents.

marcjacob - have you guys ever spent some time with him when none of the three of you felt resentful? maybe you could offer him a few meals and watch tv with him and after he has reason to trust you a little, you could ask what's going on with him. i don't mean preambling it with "why aren't you getting a job, boy?" but just asking if there's a problem.

the funniest thing i've noticed is that virtually nobody just talks to teenagers - they sort of expect them to be adults but they also lecture them and guilt them or don't talk to them at all. i've always liked teenagers and found that a little open hearted listening does miracles if you can get them to trust you have no ulterior motive.

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Originally Posted by Squirt

Dude this kid is 18

He's having a hard time

Stop being the uptight relatives and relax a bit

Do you want to go down in his history as being difficult when he's trying to find his way?

give the kid some space. Let him find his pace. He's with you for a reason, because his close relatives have shut him out. Be patient and work with him. Don't be so quick to shut him out like others have.

Be the people who make a difference in his life instead of the people who did the same thing everyone else did.

If you really want to help him then HELP HIM. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Stop finding reasons to push him out and start finding reasons to keep him in.

http://www.coinfacts.com/two_cents/1..._cents_rev.jpg

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I would have to agree with Squirt as well... especially since I'm only 6 years older than the kid, I remember those years quite vividly. Ive pretty much been on my own since I was 18 and have stuggled quite a bit to make my way in the world. Some people just need more space/time/support to really come into their own. It is entirely possible that he's just a lazy ass but I digress.

If he's not having luck in the job market having him help out around the house is a great idea, especially if he has to be up at a reasonable hour to get things done. It will really teach him a lot about responsibility without too much pressure and you may feel more like you're getting your money's worth.

In the end, there is more than one way to skin a cat, as they say. If he's not having any luck finding a job on his own and is mooching off of you, make him work for it. Seems fair to me. :whip:

We have a similar situation in our household, but it is much more similar to Rocky's. We took in this kid who had an issue with coming out with his family. He started to work at first, but being young he ended up loosing that job. So we ended up setting some rules with him, mainly to help him with life experience rather than work experience. He now comes in during the day keeps the house tidy, takes out the trash, does laundry... all the things that I DESPISE doing, and everything is kool. Hes also quite social too... which helps out with other things. We have actually met more of our neighbors since he has lived with us(will save details there). It also helps though that he is a little twinky boi who doesn't eat and thinks ramen and chicken tenders are full meals within themselves. He still has that drive though to look for a job and get out on his own, but in the meantime, its a great situation.

Also this may have helped us out from the get go too but with setting down ground rules, also set up a reward system. Like with us, we have a local theme park called Carowinds that we bought season passes to as a family. It gives us something to do together out of the house. And it was cheaper getting them in bulk then it would have been for me and the hubby to get individually.

But yeah mainly just get to know the boy in the meantime. Become his friend because now truly is a rough age and time for them right now. The world is a scary place and without the right surroundings, the younger generations could end up really lost. It is a good thing that you are helping him out in this way and he will appreciate it much later down the road.

Thankyou for all your input. Im seeing things differently now then i did when i posted the origional thread.

Firstly to clear up the point about his parents, he left following some arguments but is welcome back there. He is talking to his parents.

I dont want to throw him out. I like him as a i said and enjoy living with him bit im fed up with the atmosphere in the house.

I think the padlock on the food cupboard was a bad call. We mis-handled that as now its made an even bigger atmosphere.

I understand the points about alot of 18 year olds not working. I guess in the states most are still in school at that age? The thing with that is that he is now out in the big wide world and needs to either work or get into education (which weve always said is down to him). Ill pay his share if he goes to college.

I do know from personal experience that you grow up alot between 18 and 30 and im thinking thats what will happen with him.

I think we have mis-handled the whole situation. We will sit down and discuss it together then set some rules as suggested here.

Lee - he gets jsa, its housing benefit that was declined. But your suggestion works for that too. That could be the reason!

As for the taking pics of him, he is quite cute and as my boyfy still hasnt put a ring on my finger ... he is my boyfys nephew - not mine lol (joke of course!)

More comments still welcome, you lot are great, you really helped me with this thread. Thankyou (lee - you need to nick the kiss icon from webmaster friendly lol)

I see it this way, you don't want to treat him as an adult, but you also don't want him to think that all you need to do is find a generous friend or relative and mooch off them so you don't have to work. Most kids have chores around the house growing up and when we get on our own we have to do those chores in our own homes. So let him know that everyone in the house contributes. Some go outside to work and put money towards the rent, some stay home more and do the chores to keep the house nice and he can do either.

I had a friend who was around 20, his parents were devorced and his Dad sold the house out from under him and his Mom. She went to stay somewhere but didn't have room for him so he asked if he could crash with me and my roomate. I told him he could stay for a few weeks until he found a place. Well, that two weeks became two months, during which time he did no helping out, ate all our food and started selling my CDs at the local used music store for extra cash (I didn't find this out until later). My roommate and I had never established any rules so he just saw us as a free ride. My roommate and I started eating out and kept no food in the house anymore because we were tired of supporting him. The last straw came when I overheard him talking on our phone (long distance, of course) to a friend and he said "yeah, it's not bad here, but some food would be nice", as if we owed it to him to buy him food. The second he hung up the phone I told him he had a week to get out. And that was pretty much the end of our friendship.

This was in the early 90's, and a few years ago a new friend, only 18, asked to stay under similar circumstances. After a week he was showing no signs of helping out or trying to better his situation, and I found out that he had basically been going from friend to friend, bumming his way around, leaving only when he'd used up his friends generosity. I told him he could stay if he helped out around the house and earned his keep, and when he wouldn't do it I told him he couldn't stay. He bounced around a few more times, over the course of two years, until everyone we both knew had kicked him out. Once he had hit rock bottom and nobody would support him, he got a job. Now he's got a great job, lives in a nice place and is a really cool guy to be around. He learned the hard way that you can't just bum off of people all the time.

Sounds like you have an opportunity to teach this kid a lesson in a much easier way than my friend, who learned it the hard way. Teach him the values of living responsibly.

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Originally Posted by DonMike

He bounced around a few more times, over the course of two years, until everyone we both knew had kicked him out. Once he had hit rock bottom and nobody would support him, he got a job. Now he's got a great job, lives in a nice place and is a really cool guy to be around.

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I know who it is!

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Originally Posted by Squirt

I know who it is!

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Haha yeah that guys a bum, everyone needs to watch out for him LOL

Regards,

Lee

OMG - i laughed so hard when i read this. you are one fucking funny guy :D

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Originally Posted by Squirt

I know who it is!

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Originally Posted by Squirt

I know who it is!

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LOL!!! Nah, Jasun's a good guy. He even paid half the rent when he lived on my couch. Although he did get me addicted to a very powerful drug... Buffy the Vampire Slayer. How many nights we sat up till 2:00 am watching those damned DVDs of his. LOL!!!

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Originally Posted by DonMike

LOL!!! Nah, Jasun's a good guy.

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Yeah he is :groovy: I was just takin the piss and who couldn't like such a cuddly spunk?

Did someone say "Jasun"?

Hey, where you been??? I miss you, ya little fucker.