Are you masculine or feminine?

[DonMike]

Personally I don't mind being asked any question, as long as I have the choice not to answer.

The problem with those kind of questionnaires is that for me most questions can't be answered with just a tick in a box.

This makes it sometimes extremely difficult to find the right partner. I just have to leave too many questions unanswered. So guys would have to take the time to ask me personally. Maybe I've missed out some great fucks because of this.

I can totally understand this. I think a really good interface for a dating site is one with a nice checklist of interests that can be searched by a database while also having a part where the user can fill in a little bit about them and what they are looking for. That way when you are browsing profiles you can search by the keywords for people with your same interests and then read the profiles once you narrow down your search. It's a good way to represent yourself in a profile while still allowing the person doing to search to easily make their way through a large number of profiles.

If the profiles on a hookup site were based entirely on an essay format you would have less people signing up, navigation would be much harder because people often use different terms for things, and it would not be very, as we used to say in the old days, user friendly.

[TropixxxStudios]

If the profiles on a hookup site were based entirely on an essay format...

It would also make me very sad for the state of human kind.

I am helping a friend grade some of her College Research 101 essays, and they are HORRIBLE. I mean, come on, these kids are in college for Christ's sake.

[mistwist]

I can totally understand this. I think a really good interface for a dating site is one with a nice checklist of interests that can be searched by a database while also having a part where the user can fill in a little bit about them and what they are looking for. That way when you are browsing profiles you can search by the keywords for people with your same interests and then read the profiles once you narrow down your search. It's a good way to represent yourself in a profile while still allowing the person doing to search to easily make their way through a large number of profiles.

If the profiles on a hookup site were based entirely on an essay format you would have less people signing up, navigation would be much harder because people often use different terms for things, and it would not be very, as we used to say in the old days, user friendly.

That is one of the issues I tried to cure with our interests list, although I think I could still add a bit to it, what do you think?

1 Arts / Crafts
2 Astrology / New Age
3 Athletics
4 Baseball / Softball
5 Billiards / Pool / Darts
6 Boxing / Wrestling
7 Cars / Motorcycles
8 Computers / Internet
9 Cooking
10 Cricket
11 Cycling
12 Dancing
13 Food and Wine
14 Football / Soccer / Rugby
15 Gardening
16 Golf
17 Gym / Aerobics
18 Hiking / Camping
19 Ice / Snow Sports
20 Literature / History
21 Martial Arts
22 Motor Racing
23 Mountaineering
24 Movies / Cinema
25 Museums / Galleries
26 Music - Alternative
27 Music - Blues/Jazz
28 Music - Christian / Gospel
29 Music - Classical / Opera
30 Music - Country
31 Music - Dance / Electronic
32 Music - Latin
33 Music - New Age
34 Music - Pop / R&B
35 Music - Rock
36 Music - World
37 Nature
38 Nightclubs / Clubs
39 Politics
40 Religion
41 Sailing / Boating
42 Shopping
43 Singing / Playing Instrument
44 Tennis / Racket Sports
45 Theatre / Ballet
46 Travel / Sightseeing
47 Volleyball / Basketball
48 Volunteer / Charity
49 Water Sports
50 Yoga / Meditation

[attis]

I can totally understand this. I think a really good interface for a dating site is one with a nice checklist of interests that can be searched by a database while also having a part where the user can fill in a little bit about them and what they are looking for. That way when you are browsing profiles you can search by the keywords for people with your same interests and then read the profiles once you narrow down your search. It's a good way to represent yourself in a profile while still allowing the person doing to search to easily make their way through a large number of profiles.

If the profiles on a hookup site were based entirely on an essay format you would have less people signing up, navigation would be much harder because people often use different terms for things, and it would not be very, as we used to say in the old days, user friendly.

It would be fantastic if dating sites had a function for searching for keywords in the entire profile, not only for certain things you tick in a checklist. At least I don't know about a site which has this feature.

For example, I have a profile on a big dating site from Europe and in your profile you can fill in in which age range the guy you are looking for should be. Unfortunately this information isn't searchable, so it's always a real pain to go through profile after profile just to find out that the cute guy from your town isn't interested in people in your age.

Also they have big boxes where you can write a lot of stuff about your personality or your sexual preferences, but again, such data is not searchable. I bet there a lot of matches for me (I'm not that spoiled), but I will never discover those gems simply because I can't search for them properly.

Of course you can't expect everybody to write long stories or even essays about themselves and their desires, but those who do are usually worth at least a second look. So the possibility to write some more about yourself definitely should be there. If I'm just looking for a quick suck or fuck I can always stick with the beautiful faces and profiles in which the only information given is the dick size (and take away at least 1 or 2 inches).

[SPACE GLIDER]

that's something i never got. "Who's the girl in that relationship". It's kinda funny. Kinda.

[SPACE GLIDER]

Ever see two gay guys together and don't realize till much later that they're gay? That still surprises me. I don't believe in "gaydar" or all that, but usually someone who isn't in a closet says or does something that let's me know where they're coming from.

[mistwist]

It would be fantastic if dating sites had a function for searching for keywords in the entire profile, not only for certain things you tick in a checklist. At least I don't know about a site which has this feature.

For example, I have a profile on a big dating site from Europe and in your profile you can fill in in which age range the guy you are looking for should be. Unfortunately this information isn't searchable, so it's always a real pain to go through profile after profile just to find out that the cute guy from your town isn't interested in people in your age.

Also they have big boxes where you can write a lot of stuff about your personality or your sexual preferences, but again, such data is not searchable. I bet there a lot of matches for me (I'm not that spoiled), but I will never discover those gems simply because I can't search for them properly.

Of course you can't expect everybody to write long stories or even essays about themselves and their desires, but those who do are usually worth at least a second look. So the possibility to write some more about yourself definitely should be there. If I'm just looking for a quick suck or fuck I can always stick with the beautiful faces and profiles in which the only information given is the dick size (and take away at least 1 or 2 inches).

You should probably check out ManLuv's advanced search, it's a lot more advanced than most other places, you can search for just about anything, height, weight, eye color, smoker, non smoker, hell the possibilities are endless.
http://manluv.com/index.php?page=search

[XXXWriterDude]

And Ken, you know I love ya, darlin' but I recall a conversation where you pinched a tiny little bit of your stomach lamenting about how fat you were and how you needed to lose weight. I hope your above post was about conquering your issues and that you can see you have nothing to worry about. Although, I must admit, being a 200 plus full figured guy and having someone with a small frame going on about being overweight did nothing to help my self-esteem. So in talking about the way gay people treat each other, keep in mind that if you think 10 extra pounds is sooooo fat then you obviously think I'm a gargantuan pig. But I won't bow down to that kind of pressure. I have in the past and I decided no more. I go to the gym because I want to feel better and have more energy. I'll always have a stomach, I may lose some weight and gain some muscle but I will always be "fat" by Weho standards. But you know, I have a wonderful boyfriend who rubs my big belly and tells me how sexy I am. And if not him then there are others who look to the person you are rather than the vessel that carries you, so it's about loving yourself before you can love someone else.

No worries, Don. I'm quite vocal about my own insecurities. I've never denied that I have them. One of the reasons that I AM so vocal about tackling some of these issues in the gay community is that I myself have been affected by them. By offering my own experiences as an example, it gives people the personal connection they need to take it seriously.

Obviously, we are all prone to being affected and/or feeling alienated at times by the gay culture (or any other, for that matter) at large.

There is a lot of pressure in the gay community to look a certain way. That much is obvious. And I guarantee you it affects a lot of gay men and women who wish they "measured up" more.

You are absolutely right that you have to love yourself. That's why this year has been, for me, all about getting my shit together. By focusing on the things about my body that I don't like, focusing on the things about my career that I don't like, and focusing on the things about my apartment that I don't like, I've managed to create a much different and more productive life for myself. Working out at the gym has had an immense and very profound affect on every area of my life. I walk more confidently when I walk into a room of people I don't know. I participate more actively in coversations with new people. I am more vocal when I am unhappy or feeling unchallenged in my job. This doesn't even have to do with my body, but it's more about the happiness and the confidence that comes from knowing you can do something you previously thought you couldn't.

Because of my experiences in school (being picked on by the jocks, teased by almost everyone in my life about being a "sissy boy"), I grew up feeling inadequate and thinking that athletics were for the "normal boys." Certainly not for me. I never felt that it was a culture I could participate in. I thought I would fail at it.

Deciding to work out had a lot less to do with wanting to be "hot" or getting laid than it did with overcoming one of my biggest fears in life. Imagine the feeling of elation and liberation, then, that comes with facing that fear of failure and totally overcoming it. I CAN do it. I HAVE done it. And it's changed my life in ways I never even thought possible. Suddenly a lot of the nagging insecurities in my life have vanished, just because I got off my ass, stopped telling myself I couldn't do something, and DID IT.

That is a common experience for all human beings, not just gay people. It happens every day. BUT... it's important to note that MANY gay kids grow up feeling ostracized and alienated by their straight peers, and it causes them a lot of emotional trauma. It stunts their maturing process in a big way. We grow up feeling distrustful of other people, escecially those who feel we have to keep our sexuality hidden from. This is not a new concept, and I am certainly not the only gay person who has ever had these feelings.

btw, ken - there are gay men out there that are centered and happy. there are also gay men with tons of issues, but masculine vs feminine was never one of them. everyone doesn't have the same problems or we'd never have drama.

Patti, I don't know if you meant to imply that the gay community has never struggled with the issue of masculinity vs. femininity, or if you were just saying that there are lots of gay people who haven't been affected by those particular issues, but I'm going to assume you meant the latter. And with that I agree. Not everybody shares the same issues that I have faced in my life. But LOTS of people have.

Lee basically tried to say that I was some kind of freak of nature by insinuating that I was the ONLY person who'd struggled with masculintiy issues. My point is that a very large portion of the gay community has faced identical and/or very similar struggles in their lives. That's why I can be critical of things like "straight guy" niche sites that attempt to say that straight guy are somehow MORE masculine and/or desirable than gay men, and that's also why I think it's important to offer adult content that reinforces healthy positive examples of human sexuality, as opposed to gay content that reinforces archaic stereotypes about masculinity and/or desirabilty.

I've said this before and I will say it again with the same conviction: The gay community is not the happy, sunny place of liberation that it is made out to be. I meet guy guys all the time in their 30s and 40s who are still struggling with coming out, with feeling connected to other gay people, with body issues, with masculinity issues. The fact that these problems still exist says, to me, that we still have a lot of work to do specifically WITHIN the gay community to teach gay men how to feel better about themselves.

And the fact that nobody wants to hear any of this--or that they may disagree--doesn't mean that I'm not right.